Is it Okay to Snoop on Your Partner in a Relationship?

A few years back, I was in a relationship with a man who had made it very clear to me that he was dating another woman. She knew about me, vaguely, and I knew vaguely about her. I claimed I didn't mind, and most of the time I didn't, but every now and then, when I thought this man wasn't being honest with me, I found myself inclined to snoop around his apartment when he was asleep or when he'd leave in the morning and leave me sleeping.

Now, I'm not saying this was the right thing to do. I'm saying, this is what I found myself doing.

When I've worked with clients, I'll tell them very clearly: don't snoop. It's not really a moral dilemma that makes me say that, though. Rather, it's the fact that when you go looking for a problem, you're almost certain to find one, and it might not even be the problem you thought you were looking for.

Is Snooping on Your Partner to See if He or She is Cheating Okay?

Relationships start with trust, build on trust, and usually end with a breaking or lack of trust. If you are already concerned your partner is cheating on you, snooping isn't going to do anything to improve your relationship. Best case scenario, you don't find any proof of cheating, but the damage is done because you are already paranoid anyway. Worst case scenario, your nightmares come true and he or she is cheating.

Snooping for clues really won't tell you anything you want to know, and probably will show you a few things you'd rather you didn't know.

The better choice? Be direct. If you're feeling insecure, tell your partner that, in a non-accusatory sort of way, and then listen and communicate with your partner. Sometimes, fear of cheating is more your problem than it is your partner's actions, and you just might have to look at that.

Is Snooping on Your Partner to See if He or She is Lying Okay?

Again, relationships start with trust, and if you are fearful your partner is lying, there's likely one of two things happening: 1) he or she is lying or 2) you have trust issues and your partner is telling the truth. Either way it goes, snooping to see if your partner is lying will not provide any useful data. You'll either confirm what you fear or you will damage your partner's ability to trust you when you confirm they are not lying.

Better choice? Gee, it's that communication thing again. Tell your partner you are feeling insecure, worried about things, explain your past and why you feel that way, and then be open to your partner's answers and explanations with a open mind, and not the narrow framework of past relationships.

Snooping Usually Confirms What You Already Know

The truth is, snooping on a partner usually only confirms what your gut has already told you to begin with. It's very unlikely, unless you have issues from your past with trust, that you are going to snoop over something you haven't already debated about several times inside of you, with enough circumstantial evidence to make you need conclusive proof.

The theory with this idea is: if you are to the point of snooping, the relationship is already in deep trouble, whether you choose to snoop or not.

I think that's important for you to consider. If you feel a desire to snoop on your partner, then your partner is likely doing something to make you feel insecure. Your insecurity or your partner's behavior, either one, both are elements of a dysfunction in the relationship, and snooping won't do anything to alleviate the dysfunction.

Don't Snoop, Ask

You might be afraid to straight out ask your partner the question that is weighing on your mind that you think you might find from snooping, but let's consider this scenario:

You snoop on your partner and find out he's cheating on you. Before you snooped, you had already decided that if he was cheating on you, you intended to stay with him and make the relationship work, but you wanted proof so you two could get help. So you snoop, you find your proof, and then you confront your partner.

Now, the only thing you've done is added a step to what you should have done, which is simply to ask your partner if he was cheating and tell him why you think he might be. If you add snooping to find the answer, when you knew you were going to stay with him anyway, you've added an element of distrust toward you. Now he can't trust you because you snooped and you can't trust him because he cheated, and that's a relationship doomed to fail, no matter how you slice it.

So the next time you're thinking about snooping around on your partner, why not consider taking a few minutes to stop, think about the situation, and instead, communicate your feelings openly and honestly with your partner. It's the only way a relationship will ever truly last anyway.