Is it Old-Fashioned to Be Strict?

I suspect that the majority of adults now raising children would describe their parents as too strict. Many of these adults have made a conscious decision to be less restrictive and more reasonable with their kids than their parents were with them. It will be interesting to see if the present generation of children will regard their parents as too strict when they look back in a few years.

For some reason, strictness always seems to belong to the past generation. As a result, it is often thought of as old fashioned to be strict with children.

But what does it really mean to be strict? Does "strict" mean punitive? Does it mean cold and nasty? Does it mean that kids are not allowed to have fun, laugh or be silly? According to any of these definitions, to be strict is to harm your child's growth and development.

On the other hand, what if "strict" is just another word for "firm" and "consistent"? Firm parents give their children clear guidelines without yelling at them. They communicate rules and expectations with conviction but without malice or anger. Firm parents do not rely on threats or raised voices. Instead, they rely on a resolute attitude and the willingness to follow through without any argument.

For example, firm parents will say to a child, "It's time to brush your teeth and put your pajamas on now." If the child protests, as all children do at times, firm parents do not raise their voices or threaten. They simply take the child by the hand and proceed toward the bathroom without malice. Once a pattern of firmness has been established children no longer test the rules because there is no reward for doing so.

If, on the other hand, your children learn that by protesting - even if only occasionally - they can sometimes lure you into a long argument with opportunity for negotiation ("Well, okay, but just ten more minutes") or bartering ("If you put your pajamas on and brush your teeth right away, I'll let you stay up for fifteen more minutes"), they will become increasingly resistant to following your rules. Firmness communicates a certain self confidence and mutual respect that impresses even the most defiant child.

Permissive parenting probably leads to more adjustment problems in later life than parenting that is too strict. Strict rules are harmful only if they are inconsistently applied. Children who live in a strict family setting know where they stand and what they can count on.

It is not always easy to be firm and warm, especially when your child provokes you or tests the rules - and your patience. But this combination, when you can achieve it, is a priceless gift, both for your child and for you. Your kids will respect you and develop self esteem at the same time. If this kind of strict parenting seems old fashioned, then I strongly encourage you to do so.