Is it Possible for a Parent to Enjoy Thier Children a Bit Too Much?

As parents, most of us have moments of anger and frustration with our children as well as times of deep joy and satisfaction. We'd love to increase the times of enjoyment and decrease the times pf anger and frustration. Certainly our children want to be enjoyed more and scolded less.

There is a point, however, when your desire to enjoy, spend time with and be loved by your child may interfere with the child's emotional growth and eventual emancipation. If your employment results in over involvement, this could interfere with the child's emancipation and maturity. Over involvement can take the form of clinging, hovering, pampering and snooping - invading the child's privacy. Some parents cling to their children to satisfy their own longing for approval, affection, acceptance and love. Hovering and over protectiveness usually reflect the parent's insecurity and can reproduce the same insecurity in the child. Most hypochondriacs, for example, had parents who hovered, worried and projected their insecurity onto them. Pampering and over indulgence also stem form a parent's underlying emotional needs. Parents who over indulge their children usually do so because they are afraid to say no and to set limits for their children out of fear that their children will get angry and withdraw from them. Insecure parents find this very difficult to handle.

But children should never be forced to meet the emotional needs of their parents. It is not you child's job to make you feel loved and accepted or to give you a sense of personal significance and worth. In fact, you should be showing them how to value themselves by the example of your self esteem.

Newborns are almost totally dependent upon their mothers for life. This dependency begins to taper off very gradually from the moment of birth. Our goal as parents is to slowly regain our freedom from our children so they can gain their freedom form us.

But your children may not be able to gain their freedom and independence from you until you are willing to reclaim your freedom from their demands. Their growing independence is clearly related to your willingness to gently frustrate their demands. You can help them gain their independence if you follow this precept: Never do for your children what your children can do for themselves. When children have learned to walk, they may still prefer to be carried, for example. By carrying their children when they can easily walk by themselves, parents are giving in to their demands. While you may enjoy carrying your child and be more than willing to do so, you may at the same time be interfering with the child's developing independence.