Is it Reasonable to Expect Brothers and Sisters to Love Each Other?

Most of us who grew up with siblings were taught to love our brothers and sisters. Some of us were not even allowed to say that we felt negatively toward another family member. These negative feelings are real, however, and they occasionally arise between siblings in even the happiest of families.

Children do not always understand brotherly or sisterly love. Most kids think of love as a warm, tender feeling of goodwill. But they also know they often feel angry toward one or more of their siblings. This discrepancy between what they feel and what they believe they are supposed to feel causes guilt. Actually, this guilt is quite unnecessary. In fact it is impossible to have warm, loving feelings toward your siblings at all times.

When kids are taught that having angry or hateful feelings toward a sibling is wrong, they tend to deny and repress these feelings. Eventually they may lose touch with many of their feelings altogether. In other cases, they simply hold their unexpressed feelings in. This usually breeds deep resentment and often leads to depression. When children are taught to believe they are supposed to feel warm and loving toward their siblings, but they know they do not, they will look for a way to justify their lack of goodwill. These resentments provide them with justification for not wanting to be close. It may be unreasonable to expect your children to act lovey-dovey toward one another, especially hen they are of school age and older. If two siblings are very warm and affectionate with each other, enjoy it while it lasts but don't expect to see this behavior all the time, or between all siblings.

It is perhaps more important to help your children deal with their negative feelings toward their siblings than with positive ones. Negative feelings need to be accepted and expressed in order for healthy relationships to exist within the family. By helping your children take their negative feelings in stride, without over reacting to them, you will create an emotionally safe environment for them.

In the same way, you can help your children to accept the negative feelings that will from time to time be expressed toward them. If you can teach your children to take the ups and downs of emotions and feelings in stride, everyone will benefit.

If families did not make a big fuss about love, it would take care of itself, and children would have no reason to carry a grudge or to harbor resentment.