Is the Relationship Over?

Sometimes a relationship reaches a point where you no longer believe changes can take place or that it is too late to make any. In reality, the duration and severity of the problem has nothing to do with your ability to change the relationship itself. You can start to make changes on your own that can have a dramatic effect on your relationship. You can start by taking a good look at your relationship and following some simple rules of change.

First, look for what you do that works. Don't take it for granted when something goes well; you need to do more of it! Examine what you can do instead of seeing what you can't. Where you succeed once, you can again. Don't let yourself dwell on the failures or you will self-talk yourself, "we'll never make it." We tend to remember and label the negative behaviors, those we consider selfish, controlling or insensitive. However, we need to remember to look at the desirable behavior and remind ourselves of those on a regular basis. If you see nothing now, then what used to work? You've probably stopped doing it. Do what works, even if you feel like you shouldn't have to.

You need to begin to ask yourself what you are doing when the relationship is going well that you haven't done lately. If you have conflicts, what usually ends them? Do it sooner. What are you doing differently when something constructive actually comes out of a dispute? What was happening at the beginning of the relationship that was so satisfying; try to reach for that again.

Now find what isn't working, such as nagging or withdrawing, and do exactly the opposite. This is the hard part because you have to retrain your learned impulses that may have been damaging to your relationship. Changing 180 degrees, from attacking to finding something to appreciate or turning defensiveness into something closer to sympathy takes a great deal of work, and no little faith. You may feel you are rewarding bad behaviors, but you can try anything on a trial basis. However, you must proceed with complete sincerity, because if you seem fake the plan won't work. Ever heard of the term reverse psychology?

Examples:

• The wife who nagged her husband to spend more time at home with the family; once she encouraged him to continue going out, he slowly began spending more time at home.

• A father that always felt his daughter was criticized too much by his wife suddenly agreed with her. She was so surprised the lecture stopped altogether. Now, when progress begins to become obvious, you need to stick with it. You have to continue until you are convinced your partners changed behaviors have become habits because if you go back to old habits, your partner will too.

Now the premise here is not to just lie down and give in to your partner's bad habits and to spend your time pleasing them, but to shake up your mind and see what changes you can make in yourself. What would you or your partner have to do to notice changes in each other? If a partner does anything different, it interrupts the negative cycle and hopefully prevents a reoccurrence of that cycle. Always remember that small changes can be simply building blocks to even greater changes.

Example:

• Make an agreement to argue only in the bathroom, or by texting or phone.

• Agree that arguments will only take place at specified times and places. Either partner can feel less stress knowing there is a limit to constant bickering.

• Change the rules up a little? Who is in charge of the children today? Let one person take discipline and decision making on odd days and the other partner on even.

Now it is time to act as if the desired change has already occurred. Seeing or speaking as if things are the way you want them to be can be a powerful motivation for change. Any cloud has a silver lining and almost any negative behavior has something positive to find. A partners desire to withdraw could be looked at as thoughtful silent time. Even criticism can be seen as a partners caring and concern.

Example:

• A partner came home at 3 A.M. from spending time with friends only to be faced with a glaring and awake wife. Instead of arguing, the partner thanked her for her concern and told her how sweet it was for her to wait up for her. An argument was avoided and they went to bed with a hug.

Stop talking and start acting. Talking all the time can get in the way of your solutions. Lecturing nagging or threatening are usually indicators you are overlooking the actions you could be taking yourself. Everyone usually has one "drastic" idea they have been afraid to try. But it is that one moment of daring action that can speak volumes. For instance, after continually complaining his partner made him late everywhere they went, he simply left him behind when it was time to go. Of course the other partner was furious, but he was always on time after that.

Always remember that changes take time. It may be several weeks before you begin to see noticeable change. Don't give up. If it becomes evident that one approach isn't working, then try something else. Just make sure your goals for change are attainable and realistic.

Finally, don't expect either failure or perfection. Just because you see a little progress from your partner, don't assume they are a changed person. It is still up to you to keep up your own efforts for improvements to the relationship to last. Make sure you are not going back to old ways and eventually you may have a relationship on the road to recovery.

Sources:

Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis 1992

The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman 1999