Is Someone Questioning Your Parenting?

I think before I even begin I need to take a moment to acknowledge some very special breeds of parents. To this I mean the stepparents, the adoptive parents, and even parents of special needs children. Let's face it; raising kids is hard enough without obstacles such as these. To these brave souls I salute you. Being a stepmother in the process of adopting a special needs child I identify with all of you.

Allow me to tell you my story. I inherited my stepdaughter when I married her father, who is a wonderful man. I fell in love with her as a baby and always knew that I'd be a big part of her life. However, since I am not the egg donor to her DNA I faced many challenges. My husband's mother and parts of her family had often (quite vocally, I might add) expressed concern that since 'Leann' was not my baby I would never love her as my own. This is a great opportunity for me to educate the world on the matter: It doesn't matter whose uterus Leann popped out of, her mother is the woman who loves her and cares for her (y'all know I'm talking about me, right? Just checking). Her own mother neglected and all but abandoned her as a baby, and I was the one who left college early to work full time and put her on medical insurance. I fed her, bathed her, and did every other job associated with "mom-ness".

Now they say it takes a village to raise a child, but who gets to be the chief? When are there too many chefs in the kitchen? When am I going to stop using outdated sayings? Getting back to the point, there needs to be a solid clear-cut chain of command. Mom and Dad cannot be outranked by the grandparents, and strangers cannot dictate how children are to behave in public. You parents out there know exactly what I mean. When Grandma undermines and questions your authority in front of the kids, causing at the very least frustration and embarrassment. At the very most it'll cause a chest tightening case of rage. How dare they question you? Family members shouldn't undermine parents in front of the kids, mostly because it's not their kids, and also because it makes it harder for us to do our job. Kids cannot think that their parents are not in charge, because then we have no authority. If you're lucky enough to have a mom like I do, then you'll luck out in at least one department. My mom is my best friend, and takes the cake when it comes to grandmas. She loves her grandbabies and spoils them as all grandmas do, but she knows when to draw the line at behavior and respect. She advises me in parenthood without being confrontational. She even has a way of making it look like I'm in charge the whole time even when I'm doing things exactly the way she offered. My mom is fantastic.

Then there are strangers, those people in the store who obviously don't have children but feel the need to question you about yours anyway. I've heard a couple ways of dealing with that kind of people; you can kill them with kindness and repeat yourself a hundred thousand times, or you can tell them to go to hell. Dealer's choice I think. Leann has a congenital muscle defect, thanks to her biological mother's stellar prenatal care. By stellar I meant deplorable. She also has social problems and learning problems. She's cute as a button though, with blond hair and blue eyes. We have her in physical and occupational therapies along with a special education preschool. We're not supposed to carry her around but rather encourage her to walk and run around as much as possible. She's extremely passive, so any kind of babying just throws our progress back pretty far. She just stops trying altogether, so we are always trying to push her further. But strangers feel like they can ask me personal questions about her, and it infuriates me. Why isn't she in the cart, why is she walking?

She's so small, she's so quiet. Even though I fantasize about telling them off, "She's walking because she has legs. She's walking because the doctors advise it. She's small because her biological mother did drugs." Yeah, that would probably shut them up in a hurry. Instead I smile and shrug it off, and end up spending the better part of my afternoon upset because of it. It's just not ok to invade someone's space and children's lives like that. These people don't know us, and aren't really entitled to answers. On my more sarcastic days I've thought about retorting, "Oh my Gosh you're right! She IS small! I should take her to the doctor right away! Oh thank you, kind stranger, you've saved my daughter!" Please, I know all about it already. Parents are more in tune with their children than anyone, and already know more about them than any stranger can guess or observe. We, as parents, are already on top of the situation and require no further input from 'cashier' or 'old guy with cigarettes and milk'. Frankly, children need to have a healthy fear of strangers for safety reasons. They won't develop one, however, if parents allow strangers to freely interact with their children.

Some people just come over and pick her up. A person should always always always ask the parent before touching the child. This usually happens when we're out on some kind of business interaction. Leann also had sensory integration disorder, so we have to be careful with her surroundings and touching her. We can't wrestle with her, or bring her into busy restaurants and things like that. Her brain can't filter out all the sensory information around her, and it overwhelms her. So we have to monitor this carefully. Strangers and non-family members don't know about this, and therefore cannot use the same caution and care. I'm not being rude, I'm protecting my child. I shouldn't have to worry about making sure I don't offend other people. However, this would be easier if they didn't take liberties and make assumptions. As my dad always told me, when you assume you make an ASS of U and ME. Children aren't puppies to be petted, and need their own space from non-familiars. It's just as much a safety issue as it is a comfort one.

It's tough for stepparents because there's ALWAYS a long story to go with their relationship with their children. We just don't always want to explain our families because it is private and sometimes the circumstances aren't all that good. No family is perfect, and no one really wants to air out their problems to anyone who's curious. Boundaries need to be redefined and privacy needs to be respected.

So the bottom line is that people need to back out of personal spaces and let parents do their jobs. My husband and I share the big chief feather hat, and we have it under control. To those of you out there that read this and said "Yes! Amen to that!" I say to you, Good Luck. You'll need it! Stay the course, keep a white-knuckle grip on your patience and know that there are others out there who empathize. We're rooting for you!