Is My Spouse Cheating: Signs in a Technological Age
Life goes on for weeks, months maybe years until you feel thoroughly depressed, crazy and don't know where to turn. Every time you question your husband he accuses you of being paranoid, and your best friend soothes your fears with kindness pills and sweet little texts; unfortunately, you turn inwards and blame yourself. You just don't know what's going on. You are living in a psychedelic dream world of secrets, and you feel like there's no escape. You are not alone.
It might surprise you that this scene is becoming common place. With the wide availability of texting, social book marking sites, e-mails and cell phones, some people are falling into a dangerous game of cat and mouse. Technology may provide the method for cheating in today's changing world. Cheaters have found ways to live secret fantasy lives with married men and women. The cold hard truth is that there are many men and women playing a game with sweating dynamite; the fuse lit by the very people they call friend, sister, brother or spouse.
Recently, I became painfully aware of this situation between a group of friends. These friends were barely coping due to the aftermath of an affair. One husband and one wife, a best friend, were having an affair. This relationship caused an un-repairable division between friends. The guilty were angry that they had been found out, the victims were at a loss of how to move forward, and all of the children involved were confused as to why their parents were no longer on speaking terms.
A few days after learning about this group of friends, I was sitting at my favorite coffee spot. The barista, a casual acquaintance of mine, looked shaken. She was moving a little slower than usual and her brilliant smile had faded to a flat faced smirk. I was concerned about her change in countenance and questioned her. She had just found out that her best friend, Sally, was having an affair with her husband. She had been married for 17 years.
According to CBS News, 10.7 percent of the people over 15 and living in the United States are divorced, and divorces remain on the rise, according to the United States Census Bureau. It is likely that everyone in the United States knows at least one person who is divorced, and it is just as likely that at least one of those people is a family member. Marriage remains threatened and that should scare everyone.
Your Spouse May be Cheating
There are almost always warning signs; although, we may over look them. In retrospect warning signs are easy to see, but in the moment, they may just appear as uneasy feelings or tension.
Does your spouse receive secret e-mails, texts, regularly participate in secret IM chat or live life inside a role playing game (RPG)? Chatting, e-mailing, texting and RPGs are not necessarily bad things or warning signs. They have their purpose, and are great for business, as well as for growing friendships; however, a spouse who is unwilling to share e-mails and texts may be keeping secrets. Sometimes, e-mails and texts may be flirtatious. Don't fool yourself, there is no such thing as harmless flirting, and sexting friends should be completely off limits!
You may notice that your spouse has become cold or withdrawn. Couple time may have become limited or have come to a complete stand still. When communication stops there is always a problem. It is important that married couples share their days, dreams and future plans. When little talks, casual touches and "I love yous" are forgotten; trouble is close behind.
Has your spouse recently lost his job, been demoted at work or had his hours cut back? According to CBS News, a down economy is a contributing factor to the increase in infidelity and divorce. A person who has gone through some kind of trauma at work may feel vulnerable. Vulnerability can lead to comfort seeking. Your spouse may seek the attention of close friends instead of turning to you. This is a dangerous situation that can get out of hand easily.
Other Warning Signs
Drinking alcohol
Unexpected classes or seminars
Strange addresses in you GPS
Unreasonable complaints
A drop in your bank account
Consistently paying for someone else's food
Absence
Going through the motions
Gifts
What to Do
It is important that you realize you are not alone. Unfortunately, a cheating situation can come from anywhere; it may be your best friend, your wife, brother or sister. The first thing you should do is talk to someone. Don't feel embarrassed, stupid or afraid.
Locate a counselor, family member or a friend and talk. Vocalize your fears. You may be over reacting and a friend can help you see that, or a friend may have noticed the same things you have. Communication is extremely important. Remember you are not alone!
Speak to your spouse. This may not be the first place you want to turn. A cheating spouse is not likely to confess to you. If you feel that he is involved with someone, speak up and question. It is okay. A non-cheating spouse may be hurt that you were concerned, but he should understand. If he isn't cheating, discuss the things that made you feel concerned, and together, work out a plan to repair your marriage.
If he is cheating, the ball is in your court. You will have a lot of decisions to make and a lot of questions to work through. If you want to save your marriage, be honest and open with each other. Ask hard questions and except painful answers.
Cheating spouses have demolished the trust in a relationship. It is going to take a lot of effort to restore it, and it may never be what it was before. Set guidelines. If he was texting, or e-mailing his lover make sure that you are allowed to see all future e-mails or texts. This may sound controlling, but trust is earned, and honestly he did it to himself.
The most important thing you need to do is breathe, try to find your smile and if possible move ahead. Tell yourself, daily, that this did not happen because you weren't good enough, or because you weren't pretty enough. This happened because of your spouse's selfishness and this is NOT your fault.
References:
CBS News: Divorce Rates Rise Slightly In the US
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/09/24/national/main5334553.shtml%29
Published by Susan Elliott
Susan Elliott's poetry has appeared in both print and online formats. Susan has recently published her first two Kindle books: Wandering Through a Barely Functional Mind and Ink Blots on Paper. View profile
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10 Comments
Post a CommentSaved Soul...I know you have had a struggle. The world has been a mess, turned upside down. I understand about the flirting. While it seems harmless at the time (I have been known to do it myself in the past -not any more), it quickly can get out of hand...a fact that you know, and I learned from a very traumatic experience, (a couple of friend's mistakes.) That incident has completely changed the way I, and another friend looks at things. If I could speak to the friend I have lost through the incident that affected my life, I would tell her that I love her and think of her daily. I am SO PLEASED that she is better and that she and her husband are doing so well. I never wanted to let her go, and honestly she dwells in my heart. (I type through tears). She was one of my biggest fans and encouragements. I wish, someone could tell me how to be faithful to one friend, without destroying the innocent. Anyway, thanks for your comments and story Saved Soul. I hope to see you around the ne
I miss you very much.
If I could turn back time, and rewrite history, I would have never flirted with another man who wasn't my husband, and I would have had her over at my house instead of being at hers so much where he was always ready to flirt and test the waters. I am thoroughly disgusted with who I was, but am proud to say that that is not who I am today. Today I am a FORGIVEN woman, BLESSED beyond belief with the most amazing husband who also forgave me, and I have a chance to be the woman who God wants me to be. I will always regret the sins I committed, the betrayal, the deceit, and will never get over the fact of what I did.
For anyone reading this who flirts "harmlessly", is thinking about cheating, or is doing it already, I plead with you to please stop right now!!
I did want to be the one to tell her, but it is what it is. I saw another commenter had said that she wouldn't comment on what she thinks should happen to cheaters. Let me tell you, I am a daughter of God, and I am a sinner just the same as you or any other human being. I am not excusing what I did, I am revolted by what I did, I am broken inside because I hurt the absolute most amazing woman I have other known. I can't blame that on anyone but myself. It helps me to know how I became a person who would do such things. If I had never gotten the help I needed, I would still be that awful cheating deceiver, but I made a choice. A choice to accept God's forgiveness, to get the healing that I needed for my past hurts, and the choice to be a brave soul who is not afraid to admit that I have sinned a horrible sin and will suffer life long consequences of not having my best friend. If I could turn back time, and rewrite history, I would have never flirted with another man
I think a lot of people think there's nothing wrong with that, but there IS. Well as time progressed, my husband was busier and busier with work, and hobbies. The other guy kept pursuing and one fateful day told me that he'd like to take it further and as much as I regret it now, I said okay then. Lies grew and grew and continued to grow until I was not even anything like the person I really AM. I lied, I cheated, I betrayed, I deceived, I ripped lives apart all in my sickness. It wasn't until the middle of May when my therapist hit me with a preverbial 2-by-4 and said "you have to stop seeing or talking to this man if you want to save your marriage". I knew what I had to do, and set out to make everything right. However, there was something else in the works. Another friend knew what was going on and told my story before I could get the chance. No, I am no mad, and I wasn't mad then. I did want to be the one to tell her, but it is what it is. I saw
despite the molestations there was nothing done about it. I was a broken child. My soul had been hurt over and over again by people I trusted. My personal boundaries were broken time and time again. Yes I had my Father and step mother but they didn't protect me when the molestations came out. My biological mother continued to show her face time and time again only to leave me all over again. I am not saying that this is a excuse but it is THE cause. Let me be completely clear here when I say this. It is NOT okay to flirt with any other man who is not your husband. It is downright disgusting, cheap, and NOT what God wants for us as wives to treat our husband. That is how it all started for me. I didn't think there was anything wrong with the flirting and this particular man (my best friend's husband) was heavy at it, and she didn't seem to mind, nor did my husband. All it was was flirting. I think a lot of people think there's nothing wrong with that, but
I would like to share a little something with you.
Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see!
This is my anthem, because I once was a cheater. Now that I look back, I cannot fathom how I could have ever done such a thing, how I could hurt my best friend like that, how I could hurt my husband like that, ect. I've been through months of therapy with my husband and we are fantastic, better than ever, close as two can possibly be, and we owe it all to JESUS CHRIST! To find out what made me get in to that cheating mess was hard, soul searching work, but I did it because I -HAD- to change if I was ever going to be able to live with what I had done. Through therapy, the book Boundaries, and Celebrate Recovery at church, I came to realize that I had NO boundaries. for SIX years I was molested by a trusted family member, my biological mother had abandoned me over and over again, and despite the mo
Very interesting and helpful. I especially thought it was interesting to note how infidelity is suspected in contributing to the downturn in the economy!
A much needed article about the new signs of cheating in changing times.
Awesome article, Susan! I won't comment on what I think should happen to cheaters; it may seem too harsh for some people. :)