Is Your Spouse an Extra Kid?

How many kids do I have? I've got two-plus a husband. Doesn't he count as a child? I carry his stuff in my purse. I clean up his mess. He laughs at burps and farts. He eats French fries and pizza and likes to take naps. He enjoys the great outdoors. Having a spouse is like having an extra child. See my list for reasons why.

1. Belongings: Moms and wives don't have little purses. We cart around too much stuff. Does your husband expect you to hold his glasses? What about gum or keys? Does he give you his cell phone or snacks to put in your backpack? He's like an extra kid. Rebel and purchase a tiny handbag, or buy him a fanny pack!

2. Clean up: Do you tidy up toys, work clothes and dishes? You're likely a wife and mom. Husbands make messes as much as kids, they just own bigger things. Are there golf clubs in your bedroom and tools on your couch? Is your car filled with fast food garbage? Kids do chores to earn extra cash. Husbands work for beer!

3. Jokes: Husbands and children love practical jokes. They laugh at stupid things. Bodily sounds make great entertainment and can keep them amused for hours. Can your husband make fart noises using his armpit? Can he burp the national anthem? Bring a whoopee cushion home, and go out to the spa. No one will know you're gone!

4. ADHD: Does your husband start projects but never complete them? Does he ignore you when watching TV? My son reads a book with one leg in his jeans, forgetting he's only half-dressed. Husbands and children need constant reminders. Strings on fingers work well. How hard could it be to chew gum and walk? Learn to multi-task!

5. Pampering: Why do husbands and children act helpless when sick? The doctor is not that scary. You're not going to die; you just have a cold. Stop being so melodramatic. Moms can't sleep when their children are sick. Sick husbands keep wives awake. We can't even sleep when the dog is ill. We're always Dr. Mom!

6. Toys: Men love toys as much as kids, just different and more expensive. I can see blades of grass on my HD TV! Check out my new table saw! Children play "Go Fish" and husbands play poker. They both like video games. Having a kid or a husband means buying more toys. So why are they always bored?

7. Junk Food: Why don't children or husbands like eating their greens? Why do we force feed them spinach? Pizza and ice cream are not separate food groups. Chips aren't the same as potatoes. They eat doughnuts with sprinkles and never get fat. Women can't eat that crap. We eat cereal for breakfast and gain five pounds. We eat tofu instead of chicken!

8. Sleep: Men like napping as much as kids; they just usually don't admit it. If you ask your husband to mow the lawn, you'll find him in the hammock. Rent a chick flick tonight and you'll see what I mean. He'll be snoring before the credits. Without sleep, they get cranky. Just put them to bed. They'd never admit they're tired!

9. Obsession: Husbands and children may want different things, but they both have one-track minds. When they're obsessed about something, they can't let it go. It consumes their every thought. How many times in a day do men think about sex? They're like kids at the store wanting candy. If you don't set limits, they'll constantly bug you. They know how to wear you down!

10. Naked: Why do men and children enjoy being naked? Does your husband shave in the nude? My kids never close the door to the bathroom. They say it takes too much time. Would there be bathing suits with no women around? I feel naked without my shoes. My husband and kids don't care about clothes. I 'm going to buy stocks in sun block!

Okay, men are big kids, but that's not all bad. We use and abuse them too. They lug our lipstick around when we go to a club and my husband's a great pack mule. When we need a good laugh, they try really hard and they're usually pretty funny. But the next time I'm asked, "how many kids do you have?" I'm going to count my spouse!