Is This Woman Really My Mother?

I wanted to do something different for you on Mother's Day. I didn't want to go to Target and just buy any old card that is mass marketed and produced and every other mother in the whole entire country would get. That just would not do. You are too special and wonderful for that (am I pouring it on too thick?) You are probably right now, at this very moment, wondering if I am up to something. You are thinking I want something from you. Or does that look on your face and the gagging mean you really are going to throw up now?

I started off being very serious. Wishing you my undying love and gratitude. Putting a $20.00 gift card from Starbucks in your Mother's Day Stocking. Then I realized that just wasn't my style. Can't do it. It is just not me. Our relationship is based on ridiculous humor and so that is what I wish for you today. I want you to have a really silly, funny irreverent Mother's Day that makes you laugh. Besides, you know laughter helps strengthen your facial muscles and let's face it, you're not getting any younger.

I really do like you Lucy; you're pretty cool. Even though I live in the sitcom "I Love Lucy" I guess its better than living in the Dr. Phil House. Now that would seriously suck. But I digress, I am getting off track. I am supposed to make this your best Mother's Day ever. Now exactly how much pressure is that I ask you? What was wrong with the mud pie and the painted rock we gave you. They showed originality and artistic talent. The year I bought you the Bruce Springsteen CD was a good one. The only reason I had already opened the CD was to download it onto my ipod and test it first to make sure you would like it. And that came out just fine. I admit, the year that I accidentally borrowed your credit card without telling you and bought you an Amazon Gift Certificate for $100.00 probably wasn't the best, but we ended up with some cool stuff that year, didn't we?

It occurs to me Mom, that you know more about me than I know about you. How is that exactly? I know you are way older than I am and everything, but why don't I know your deepest fear, your biggest regret, the best time ever in your life? Well, the best time ever must have been giving birth to me, because I am SO special, right? I think your deepest fear may be that I never move out, but you will adjust in time.

I have your humor, scintillating wit and looks. I have your boobs, which ain't bad, especially since yours have held up pretty good over the years. I know you say they're heading to South America and you would prefer they were in the Midwest, but that power bra you wear really helps.

Anyhoo, you really are a cool mom and I even like hanging with you. Now that we have established that I love you, can we go to the mall?

Happy Mother's Day Lucy