Ishaara and Charles Dwayne Dorsey - America's Got Talent, Myspace Auditions

After eight previous episodes of jaw-dropping dancing, heartbreaking singing, and of course, outright buffoonery, "America's Got Talent" decided to elicit talent from one of the world's largest talent sites, Myspace!

In the words of Nick Cannon, "Welcome to the Myspace Auditions!"

First up was Jerry 'El Vegas' Katz, a 59 year old Al Pacino look-alike who regrettably opted for a career as an Elvis impersonator-he would have stood a far greater chance as an Al Pacino impersonator instead. When questioned about his age, he replied, "I'd rather not say because everybody takes me for 25, but I'm a few years older." I hate to bust his bubble, but 'a few' does not equate to a whopping 34. Regardless of his age, the bottom line is that his act stunk; but God Bless Him for his patriotic spirit!

Following him were the 'Jumping Eagles,' a youthful band of highschool students hoping to "spread the sport of jump-roping." The key obstacle blocking their path, however, was their own inability to jump-rope correctly-their entire act was chockfull of mistake after mistake. I earnestly suggest that they master the craft of jump-roping before attempting to teach others about it. Other than that, I wish them the best of luck!

As is typical of any "America's Got Talent" episode, the cheesy acts continued-completely undeterred by the inevitable embarrassment awaiting them:

Computer specialist and dwarf-like singer Shawn Berkley belted out a shoddy ballad with his severely un-toned tenor voice.

Patrick-Stewart-wannabe Don Baldoromas performed a Shakespearean piece not even close to Broadway standards.

A glittery, dark-skinned drag-queen named Shaunie blew our eardrums wide-open while sporting a 'Boys Who Sparkle' t-shirt and popping his and/or her booty.

And finally, 18 year old HS senior Ashley Groff-dubbed "Linda Blair' by David Hasselhoff-scared us to near-death with her sordid rendition of some long-forgotten song (I honestly cannot remember the name of it).

Ishaara

According to Newton's Laws of Motion, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." It makes sense to assume, then, that for every horrendous act, there would in turn be a blockbuster act-or dare I say, Bollybuster Act!

That said, it was no surprise then when Bollywood dance-troupe Ishaara-consisting of ten students from the University of California, Berkley-indeed proved my hypothesis correct. Adorned in colorful green/gold and red/gold silky outfits, Ishaara stirred up an exotic brew of hot Bollywood dance moves mixed with traditional Hindu steps dating thousands of years back. So impressed was Hasselhoff that his socks were LITERALLY knocked off. Well done, Ishaara! And congratulations on successful introducing Bollywood culture to mainstream America!

Following Ishaara were the Duo Design (or as I call them, the 'Incredibly Gay Duo'), two well-built Polish fellows with breathtaking acrobatic talent; singers Marcus Terell and the Serenades, a quaint team of young'ns determined to "pay tribute to classic feel-good music"; violinist and pianist duo, N2U2; and singer and musician, Kara and Core Britz.

Charles Dwayne Dorsey

Only one other act shined as bright as Ishaara, and that was down-to-Earth musical prodigy Charles Dwane Dorsey. Reported by his Mother as being "born to be a musician," 21 year old Dorsey came out on stage with his voice swinging like an axe to Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered - I'm Yours." And as he sang, he also drummed along with his piano, delivering us a harmonious collaboration of skillfully-played notes with a perfect-sounding voice. But most notable about this young man was his humble attitude-when asked about his dream, he expressed the desire to immediately start his Mother's retirement. Many blessings to you, Mr. Dorsey; your Mother clearly brought up a wonderful young man!

Soon after Dorsey came our final act-the biggest one of all! And I'm not talking big as in talent, but as in Bruce Bruce, Monique, and Gabriel Iglesias all rolled up into a triple whopper with cheese, bacon, and extra mayonnaise. To be more specific, I'm talking about Big Vee!

Dressed in a colorful outfit with her hair sticking off the top of her head like a shovel, Big Vee be-bopped and scatted her big booty in all sorts of directions. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to earn the audience's respect, let alone Pierce Morgan, who noted, "Well, the point of dancing is you're supposed to move, but you moved about 3 inches." Thankfully, Nick Cannon rushed to the rescue, turning her brief flash of shame into a brilliant moment of butt-shaking and butt-smacking entertainment. Remember folks... big girls need love too!