It Doesn't Matter Why You Got Married

There are many different reasons people tell themselves they got married. Often, people believe that the only really good reason is, love. This is far from true. The initial reason that a marriage begins is relatively unimportant. In the course of a long psychotherapy practice, I have heard, "we got married for the wrong reasons" so many times that I had to figure out what the wrong reasons really could be. For that matter, what are the right reasons? If I asked the people who uttered these dicta to explain, I usually get some version of, "I had to get out of my home." Or, sometimes, "I wanted security and was afraid no one else would love me." Whatever the specific answer, there is a consistent theme. The theme is that the only right reason to get married is love. No other reason is valid. All other reasons are wrong. Compatibility, money, security, convenience, wanting children are all insufficient or simply wrong reasons. Nonsense.

Actually, nearly no one who gets married is really in love at the time. In lust, maybe; infatuated, yes; in love, no. Contrary to a very common belief, love is what sometimes happens after marriage, or after a long and intense relationship, not before. Until you have had a sufficient length of time to know a person well, and to share many moments and types of experiences together, all you can be in love with is your fantasy, your image of what you think you want that person to be. And that is not only not enough; it is a recipe for a rude awakening, particularly when your partner stops trying to be exactly what he or she thinks you want. Moreover, everyone's image of a perfect mate is so filled with inconsistencies and contradictions that no human being could, or should, fulfill it. Romantic images are formed from many sources. They carry remnants of stories, movies, friends and, most of all, your view of your parents, which itself is usually idealized. A characteristic in a new love object that reminds you of some of these desirable traits can trigger feelings of hope and attraction that we feel is true love. It's not, and it's fleeting. It is doomed to disappointment.

Another aspect of an early relationship that people mistake for love is the idealization of the person as someone so desirable that acceptance by this person will validate your self worth and reduce your feelings of inadequacy. This has several pitfalls. One of the worst of which is the tendency to immediately degrade someone who can be attracted to you. If your self concept is so flawed that it desperately needs validation by another, then the other must have some flaw if attracted to you. The intense thrill of this capture turns sour as you reevaluate the other person. What we perceive as good looks usually plays an important part in this process. And, in the long run, beauty is not an important characteristic in a relationship. If you learn to love another, that person becomes beautiful in your eyes, defines beauty for you. B'mir bist du schön. Literally, to me, you are beautiful. As the song says, it means, "I love you."

But early in a relationship, much of what you think you know about a person is your own fantasy and hope. The inevitable problem that arises when you really learn all about someone else is disappointment. Why inevitable? Because no one can live up to the idealized image that you have projected. During the courtship, both people try to see what the other wants in a mate and tries to live up to that picture. This can only be continued for so long and the result, the discovery of who you are really married to, has a heavy element of disappointment. So, if love develops after marriage, given this disappointment, given the discovery of reality, how can it ever blossom?

Although it certainly does not happen automatically, marriage provides a framework within which love can develop. It's not the only framework, but it is a good one because the critical variable is time, and a commitment to give a relationship the time to develop is what marriage should be. Sharing life, good, bad, easy, or hard .and adding to each other's pleasure or reducing each other's pain is what develops a loving relationship. And it really doesn't make much difference why you embark on it. Notice, though, the word, "committment." There will be hard times. There will be disappointments. There will be negative feelings toward your spouse and the feeling of being trapped is so common that it is nearly universal at some stage of a relationship. It requires a dogged committment to pass through these stages and achieve a truly good relationship. Does this always happen when you stick it out? Unfortunately, no. Some people simply don't fit well together. Shared values and goals are necessary and not always there. The more similar the backgrounds of the two people, the more likely it is that there is enough in common to have a good foothold from which to build. Marrying for love, as we do in this country, has a success rate that is not as good as some places in which marriages are arranged by the parents.

So, how many marriages turn out to be good ones? I don't know, but the odds are bad. Less than 50% of all marriages in the United States are really successful. I don't know how much less than 50% but nearly half actually end in divorce and, adding in those that separate informally, the proportion that actually separates is clearly over half. And that's only the ones that fall apart completely. Some uncounted number stay together in states of wretched misery. So, what proportion are really successful, grow into mutually loving relationships? I have absolutely no idea, but the number must be a frighteningly small fraction. Why?

As above, many fall into the trap of disappointed expectations because when they married, they knew little about each other, but imagined a lot. Many of these are the people who married for love. In truth, it's not only not the "only reason to get married"; it's probably one of the worst. People who marry to get away from unpleasant situations, or for security, or for companionship, or even for money are disappointed in the outcome much less frequently. They didn't expect an unrealistic, glorious, fairytale bliss. They expected pretty much what they got. Given time, these can grow into true love.

There are, unfortunately, many other pitfalls in the road to marital happiness. Ruts, Poor communication, simple failure to consider the welfare of your partner all lead to indifference or anger. Perhaps the question isn't really, "Why do so many marriages fail?" Perhaps the question should really be, "How do the successful ones occur?" The answer to this question, or rather, the answers, are nearly as many as there are good marriages. However, they all have a few things in common, of greatest importance among which are honesty, communication, and consideration for each other. The key is to help your partner feel better about life, about self, about anything, when you are there than when you are not. That simple phrase is the essence of love.

And then, there is the best reason of all for attempting the rigors of relationship and the journey (without a map) of marriage: children. But that is another story.