It Shouldn't Be Your Fault If You Are Beautiful

Something I refuse to dwell on is my violent older brothers. They were abusive. Period. I didn't do anything to deserve that growing up. And my mom said not to tattle so I was humiliated and stressed out. And before I started meditating I would get grabbed at. I wasn't doing anything that would warrant that behavior. I went to church, went to work, I don't go to night clubs. I went to school. But for some reason, some sickos decided to grab at me.

I could be thin, I could be fat, but people would rub my arm or leg like I was a freaking genie lamp and it was all I could do not to clobber them. But it wasn't until I quieted my mind. And as the bible says "Be still and know that I am God." did any of that change.

Needless to say, I have a warped sense of what guys are like now because of all this abuse. But I have never been raped. It is just this sick land we live in where girls are hypersexualized and run around like strippers that good girls get a bum deal.

You have to find your own truth. Did I deserve being humiliated because of beauty. To be yelled at. To be grabbed at? But I know the bible said that we are to be strong for the Lord and fight the good fight. So here I am. Single and alone. Am I not safe to go to work? Is that being too sexual?

I lock my doors at night and sleep at night. But if you ever tell me I was doing anything other than minding my own business and going to a filthy "Blue Ribbon School" full of pimple faced perverts and heroin addicts trying to get me high. I would say you need a shrink. Stuff happens. You can either dwell in the negative stuff and be afraid, or you can move on. I have chosen to move on.

And if I find comfort in spiritual teachings because I can't have the bible read to me that makes any sense, so sue me. But at least I'm not a fornicating junkie because of it. I have stronger faith and comfort because of meditation and it works for me. I'm not saying its perfect or that everyone needs to do it. But I can't say that it makes me a bad person. I need something to help me feel better and if I do it by trying to be spiritual I don't really care what others think.