It's Not the Computer, It's You!

I worked for several months at a major internet service provider and during that time it was my job to provide basic computer tech support to people over the phone. I only worked there for about two months but you wouldn't believe the things people told me in those two short months.

In fact, as a way of venting I'm going to let you in on some of the more humorous calls I received. It'll be important to keep in mind that my job was specifically to help people with dial-up internet. If the problem didn't involve my employer's internet service or turned out to be an actual problem with your computer all I was allowed to do was point you in the right direction.

Don't worry, just like TV's dragnet, I've changed the names to protect the innocent (and to prevent lawsuits.)

Call 1: You don't deserve a computer.

Me: ABC Computer Internet help desk, can I have your phone number starting with area code ...(verify information)... So, how can I help you?

Customer: My computer won't let me go on the internet.

Me: Your computer won't let you go on the internet? So, when you try to dial up does it give you an error message?

Customer: Yeah.

Me: Okay... what does the error message say?

Customer: Something about invalid username.

Me: Oh, was it "Error 691: Invalid username or password on the domain?"

Customer: Yeah, that sounds right.

Me: Alright, just a moment. I'm going to look through some records quick. Is that okay?

Customer: Sure.

Put customer on hold. I already know what the problem is. I probably get half a dozen 691 calls a day and 5 out of those 6 are almost always resolved by having the customer type their password in CORRECTLY. Still, I have to document each call so I figure I should at least get the notes started.

When I bring up the notes on this customer I shocked and a little angered by what I see. According to the notes this same customer called two weeks early with the same problem and the technician notes that he explained to the customer what was wrong and how to fix it.

I take the customer off hold

Me: Are you still with me?

Customer: Yes I am. Oh, by the way, I think I had a similar problem a few weeks ago.

Me: Yep, that's what my notes indicate as well.

Long pause

Customer: So how do I fix it?

Me: It should be the same as last time. On your computer, do you see where it says username and then there is a blank?

Customer: Yeah, I've got my email address written in their.

Me: Good. Do you see right below that where there is a field that says password?

Customer: Yeah.

Me: Retype your password in there and try to connect.

I hear clicking and then a pause.

Customer: Oh hey, it works!

Call 2: If you're too embarrassed to say it without spelling it, it's not a good password.

Me: ABC Computer Internet help desk, can I have your phone number starting with area code ...(verify information)... So, how can I help you?

Customer: I forgot my password.

Me: Okay, not a problem. If you have any idea what it is I can try it for you and see if it works otherwise I can reset it for you.

Customer: You can't just tell me what it is?

Me: No, unfortunately I have no way of knowing. It's a security thing.

Customer: Alright, well that makes sense. I'm sure you're trustworthy but I guess I'd rather have as few people know it as possible. I believe it should be boat.

Me: B-O-A-T, all lower case?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Alright, just a moment.

Put customer on hold and try logging using the username and password she gave me. It fails.

I take the customer off hold.

Me: Okay Janet, I tried logging in on my computer using the information you gave me and it doesn't work. Do you have any other guesses?

Customer: No, that should be it.

Me: Okay, well I can change it for you if you want but due to new security here at ABC internet your new password will need to be at least eight or more characters long.

Customer: Hmm... give me a moment. I need to think of a new one.

Me: Not a problem, I get paid by the hour so take as long as you need.

I can hear talking in the background. Janet apparently can't think of a password on her own so she is taking suggestions.

Customer: Okay, I think I got one.

Me: Alright, what is it.

Customer: P-O-O-P-Y-P-A-N-T-S

Me: Alright, let me read that back to you just to make sure I wrote it down right. You said P-O-O-P-Y-P-A-N-T-S.

Customer: That's right.

Me: Alright, I just reset it for you. It should work. Thanks for calling and if you have any more problems or need any help with your computer don't hesitate to call back.