It's Not Me, It's You: The Modern Girl's Guide to Breaking Up

They say breaking up is hard to do. It hurts when someone breaks up with you, but interestingly, it hurts even more to break up with someone else. Whether or not you still have feelings for the other person, just the idea of breaking someone else's heart can be mind-wrenching, but you can't sway your feelings for someone else if your heart is telling you the relationship needs to be over. The first thing you need to do is form a mental checklist. Write it out if necessary. Make a list of the pros and cons of remaining in the current relationship. Figure out exactly what it is that is making you unhappy or doubt the relationship. If you find that you need several sheets of paper to list why you're unhappy, then it's obvious you're ready to get out. However, if you find yourself struggling to write down reasons and your tear drops are blotting up the page, it's best you not act hastily and perhaps request space in lieu of a breakup to really assess your feelings.

Don't be afraid to be selfish. Love is the one area you're allowed to be somewhat selfish in. Your happiness is extremely important, and what good are you going to contribute to the relationship if you're not happy? You wouldn't expect the other person to remain with you if they were unhappy, so you should allow yourself the same amount of leniency. And if you find that you just can't break up with the person or you remain with them out of pity, you're only setting yourself up for an even uglier breakup down the road, and the person may end up resenting you altogether.

The reason so many breakups turn sour is because of the inappropriate choice of breakup method. Don't ever do it via text message or email, that is just downright rude and shows lack of compassion. Don't have someone else do it for you either, that's completely high-school method. Best is in person or at least over the phone. It depends on how long you've been together. If you've been with someone for a long time, they're going to want to see you in person. But if you've only been seeing someone for a short period of time, the phone is more acceptable. The only other condition in which I would recommend breaking up with someone over the phone is if you have any reason to fear for your safety, or if they are an apparently unstable person and you are uncomfortable facing them in person.

Tell the absolute truth. Was it you, or was it really them? Don't do the whole "It's totally me" thing if that's not the truth. If they did things that drove you to the breakup, tell them, so they can keep those factors in mind for a future relationship. It will also assist them in feeling less helpless in the situation, and they won't feel like pathetic losers because they'll know there was a legitimate reason for the breakup. But explain to them nicely, and don't pin all the blame on them or make them feel like failures. Were they holding you back from accomplishing your goals? Did you discover that the two of you were growing apart? The one thing you should never say is that you "need to see other people". Even if that's how you feel inside, they don't need to hear it at such a tender time. Chances are, they know it deep down inside, but when the love of your life is breaking up with you, do you want to imagine them going on dates with all these other people right away? Of course not. They don't need that extra and unnecessary detail. They're smart enought to figure it out on their own.

Don't give them false hope. Do you see yourself getting together with them again in the future? If not, then don't make them think there's a chance. Too many girls complain that their ex-boyfriends call them all the time and want to see them. What these girls fail to mention is that they left the door open during the breakup, and made these poor guys think they were going to get back together at some point. Let the guy know what the final verdict is, so that he can face the truth and move on accordingly.

Do you really want to be friends with them? We hear about exes that try to remain friends, but somewhere down the line someothing goes wrong and they never talk again. It's extremely unrealistic to end a two-year relationship with someone and then try to meet for lunch a week later as "friends" and try to be normal and talk about new people you're dating. That's just asking for disaster to occur. The best thing is space for a long period of time. I would suggest minimalizing all personal contact for the first few months. If you just have to communicate with them, stick to email or the phone. And don't ask questions about their dating life unless you can honestly handle it. If you don't want to know, then don't ask.

If they gave you something particularly special or expensive like say, a piece of jewelry or a watch, don't hand it back to them when you break up with them. Even though you may think you're doing them a favor by giving them back their "investment", you're only driving the knife further into their heart. If they really want it back, they'll ask for it. And if you can't bear to look at it, put it away in storage for a while. And if they never ask for it back and you don't ever want to wear it or use it again, put it up for sale or trade. Unless of course you want to keep it and treasure it. That is entirely up to you.

Look at it this way: you're doing them a favor in the long-run. They may not realize that at first, but they'll thank you later for it. You're only doing them and yourself harm by remaining in the relationship longer than you truly desire to, thereby increasing the attachment. I know of individuals who didn't have the courage to break up with their significant other, so they remained in the unhappy relationship but began to do shady things such as sneak around behind their back and cheat on them. The other person ended up finding out, and the level of devastation was greatly increased. Years down the road they'll look back and appreciate the fact that you were honest and truthful with them, which actually shows you care about their well-being way more than by lying and deceiving them. It takes a strong person to do that. And by all means, allow them to obtain their closure, whether it be them writing you a letter expressing their feelings or them asking you questions about why you chose to end the relationship. However, if you find that they are beginning to menace you for days on end, and you feel that your personal freedom and safety is under threat, then it's okay to stop being polite. You are a person too, after all.