It's Official: Google Hates Me
A Paranoid, Rambling Whinefest
How has Google wronged me? I sat through The View (THE VIEW!) and dutifully wrote a report about Rod Blagojevich's shenanigans. I slapped on a SEO-friendly headline, and "Blagojevich on the View" soon showed up as a top Google trend. And how does Google reward me? By indexing my article hours later when no one cared anymore.
Another opportunity came. Rumors were swirling on the Internet that a new Kindle was going to be announced soon. I was ready and wrote an article as soon as the story broke. Again, it was a top Google trend, and my article wasn't indexed. Okay, no big deal; hours later, it was still a hot topic. My article, however, was still a no show on Google searches. A day later? Nope. Still not there.
Frankly, I've given up on rationality. I've given up on cogent reasoning. Sure, articles explaining Latent Semantic Indexing and keyword density seem accurate and sound. But I think I figured out Google's real way of indexing articles: Sentient Spiteful Spider Indexing (SSSI). Whenever someone mentions Google's "spiders," they're actually being quite literal.
A team of sentient, digital spiders (who are spiteful, and that's important to keep in mind) crawl around the World Wide Web, indexing articles and pooh-poohing writers they don't like. Google's motto of "Don't be evil"? Feh! That's what they want you to think.
Here's how SSSI works:
Sentient Spider 1: All righty, here we have yet another article about the Kindle 2, this time by Shannon Lausch.
Sentient Spider 2: Wait a minute. Didn't she write that Microsoft Paint article that was heavy on bad sarcasm and demonstrated a basic lack of appreciation for simple software?
Sentient Spider 1: Yep. We indexed that one right away.
Sentient Spider 2: And now she's trying to write timely, trendy articles? So, she's really trying to get those page views, huh?
Sentient Spider 1: Yep.
Sentient Spider 2: Hey, I've got an idea. Let's not index it! At least, let's wait until it's not popular anymore. Then we'll give her prime placement! Just to really rub it in!
Sentient Spider 1: Heh. That'll show her!
Sentient Spider 2: Mwahahahaha.
Sentient Spider 1: Mwahahahaha.
And there you have it. By the way, if I go missing under mysterious circumstances, will someone please avenge me?
Published by Shannon Lausch
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18 Comments
Post a CommentCute! great article
Smiling at "crashing and burning like a flaming ball of toilet paper". Haha! Why don't you try linking to your articles from a blogger blog or other web site that has already been indexed by Google? That will help get your articles indexed faster. Just a thought!
lol true sometimes the spiders don't come in a timely fashion..
OMG! hysterical! thanks for the much needed laugh.
Thanks Jennifer, I'll definitely have to check out your tutorial when you write it.
This is hilarious! I love it! But seriously, I think the real problem is that you're choosing articles that have too much competition and that are too brief in their popularity. Google is slooooooooooooooow in indexing, so you have to find an article with staying power. I'll probably write a tutorial on this fairly soon, but not right away since I'm working on Valentine's Day. Anyway, you'll want to pick three or four primary keywords that are getting traffic TOGETHER on Google, but no TOO MUCH traffic. I'll see about that tutorial when I have time.
LOL. I feel the same way sometimes. Nicely done. Happy Valentine's Day, Shannon! Enjoy your weekend!
LMAO. Great article.
Sounds a bit fishy to me here. ;)
They can't call it paranoia if it's really happening.