It's Olympic Time - Higher, Faster, Sweatier

The 2008 Olympics are here but it's been a bumpy marathon getting it up and running, so to speak. Things started going sour quickly when earlier this year Hollywood director Steven Spielberg decided to quit as the producer of the opening and closing ceremonies because of China's involvement in the Darfur crisis. He was roundly condemned by China's state-controlled media and hit with a groundswell of criticism from the Chinese public. It was so bad that the Chinese declared a boycott of all pirated copies of Spielberg's movies. But really, you don't want to get the Chinese mad, they might try to do something like poison our pets' food.

The trouble only continued during the world-wide Olympic torch relay. In Paris, it was cut short after chaotic protests by anti-China demonstrators, causing the flame to be extinguished four times, so they started hiding the flame. It was less a relay and more an Olympic version of "Where's Waldo?" Find it if you can! This was all over China's civil rights violations. There were groups looking to stop, extinguish or steal the Olympic flame where ever it went. One group attempted to torch it until they realize it was already a torch.

Meanwhile, back in Beijing, there was major concern about the air quality. Apparently, when China stole all our manufacturing, they also stole all our smog. In an attempt to clean up the city's polluted air for the Olympics, the government halted construction and closed heavy industries. Sure, maybe it would make it easier for the athletes to breathe but stores in the US had to deal with a shortage of lead-tainted baby toys. In the end, it really didn't work, so China added "Breathing" and "Coughing" as medal events.

To further prepare for the Olympics, the Chinese government handed out etiquette books telling residents what not to wear, advising against too many colors or white socks with black shoes and parading in pajamas. So, basically, the state of Florida is banned from the Olympics.

The public image of China wasn't much helped by the Tibet protests. Then it seemed like the Chinese felt they didn't have enough people mad at them, so their officials demolished a mosque in western China because it would not put up signs in support of the Beijing Olympics. Al Qaeda was all over the situation and responded by putting together plans for rickshaw bombs.

NBC has the rights to air the Olympics in the US and they are really selling it hard. They're advertising it as the Ultimate Reality Show. You know, watch players attempt to win challenges to get medals of immunity. Watch contestants get voted off the playing field. There will be winners. There will be losers. Thousands have auditioned for this show, but only a select few have what it takes to go all the way---

The network plans to air 2,900 hours of live Olympic TV coverage. Most of it promos. That works out to over 17 weeks of coverage. Which may be tricky since the Olympics are only 2 weeks long.

As the opening drew close, a Chinese Islamic faction released a video claiming communist China's regime's alleged mistreatment of Muslims justifies holy war. Oh, who to root for, who to root for?

Then the International Olympic Committee banned Iraq's Olympic team over some government violations and then they revoked the ban, allowing four of the original seven athletes to compete in the Beijing games. Four people? That's not an Olympic team, it's a bridge game.

But there were a number of interesting things we learned. Like, did you know that every athlete has a tank assigned to him? Or that every time a Chinese athlete wins an event, the crowd breaks out into a rendition of "Slow boat to China?" If you want your steroids without MSG, you have to ask for it. Most under-reported sport? Panda wrestling. Also, I heard that members of the China team who lose in their sport will be donated to one of those dead body exhibitions in the United States. And Bob Costas is considered a giant in Beijing. The Chinese hand ball team is unbeatable because they have a really Great Wall to practice on. And, oddly, bronze, silver and gold medals all contain unhealthy trances of lead.

But all eyes will truly be on China this summer as billions watch the games. But not me, I already got a bootleg DVD of it from a guy I know.