It's Only Potty Training

Potty training is a big issue in my life right now. My daughter has recently gotten to the point where she will tell me if she needs to go, and while we still have our occasional accidents, I consider that a success. I am also surrounded by friends who are involved in potty training their own children. So I've had a lot of opportunity to think about this issue. I've come to the same conclusion I've come to about all endeavors relating to babies and young children: I am incensed over the amount of strategy that exists in our American society. I'm sure it's all well meaning, and is created and maintained in a thoughtful yet misdirected urge to be helpful. But the primary result of parenting strategy seems to be minimal in success and maximal in making parents feel insecure, overwhelmed by the basic requirements of raising a child, and underqualified to know what on earth they're doing. My response to all of the how-to hubbub is to throw up my hands and say "Sheesh! It's only potty training!" Regardless of the method taken, the goal is the same, and I'm happy to say, it never fails. Have you ever heard a parent with a mentally and physically competent child say "I never could get little Johnny to use the potty. I finally just had to give up." It happens. That's all that really matters. Relax.

I've found there are three basic approaches to potty training. And while I endorse one of them over the others, I'll state again for the benefit of those who prefer another approach, that the goal is much more important than the way your child gets there. There are many different kids and parents and we all have our own path to success that works best for us, within the three basic approaches. What matters is that eventually your child can use the toilet for himself. Not what age this happens at, or how long it takes, or what kind of potty you use, or how many attempts you make at potty training. It is perfectly okay to try it, and let it rest for a while, and try again later. It's okay to do that several times. The tender parent psyche can only handle so much. The parent who realizes that the goal will eventually triumph and also realizes that the method is a choice, is a happy one.

Not to say that frustration doesn't occur. Potty training is frustrating. Kids are frustrating. Frustration and young people are synonymous. I don't know for how many years, but you know it's so. That's why there's coffee and dark chocolate, and pizza night. But when you can throw off the shackles of "How to Potty Train Your Child" and just go with the flow (no pun intended), you can breathe easier and focus on the true nature of the challenge you're facing: how to get your child to use the potty for himself. Not "how to get your kid to function successfully with the strategy you're using."

So your three basic approaches are a choice. If you like, you can try all three, if you start early enough. To set a good example, I'll admit that I tried two of them. It feels pretty silly to confess that I tried infant potty training when my two and a half year-old is just now potty trained, but there it is. After months of infant training that was going really well, my endurance bottomed out and I decided I'd rather change diapers and try traditional potty training later on.

Infant potty training is based on the assumption, and I think, rightly so, that your child is born aware of her bodily functions and able to exert control over them. Diapers and "traditional" toilet training are modern, western inventions of parental technique. Before babies were diapered, they were infant potty trained. There's a window of about 4 to 5 months in which you can begin infant training. After five months of age, babies are diaper trained. Meaning, when you put diapers on a baby you in essence train him to ignore his bodily functions and let you take care of that business for the first few years of his life. This means that when you decide he's "ready" to use the potty, you have to untrain him from his blissful ignorance and reliance on diapers before you can train him to acknowledge and control and properly dispose. To potty train an infant you sit the baby on a small potty or bowl frequently throughout the day, and when the baby goes, you make a noise or a hand sign to mean "potty." Eventually the baby will go every time you put the baby on the pot and make the sound. (I did get this far I got with my baby, at least.) Eventually, the baby will make the sign or sound himself when he needs to go to let you know to put him on the potty. A potty trained baby will reach this goal usually by one year of age.

The second approach is the one I endorse. I'm actually passionate about the concept of infant potty training, but it is so time-consuming, when a baby is plenty demanding with her diaper securely in place and full of pee. However, I've now found out that all potty training methods are super demanding. There's no escape from the extreme amount of responsibility involved. I have to say, using this second method, it did take a year to train my daughter. So I guess you don't save yourself much trouble by passing up the infant training experience. So like I said, it took a year, but I also don't think she'd be trained at this moment if I had done the third method, which we'll get to later. The second approach goes like this: the kid learns to use the potty by EXPERIENCE. That includes diapers (if your child doesn't blissfully ignore a full diaper), nakedness, underwear, and the potty. When you are ready to begin training, start, regardless of age. I don't recommend using underwear until some toilet mastery has developed. Instead, let him go naked frequently, so he gets a front-row seat for the show down there. He's been ignoring it for a long time. Give your child a lot of liquids each day and take him to the potty every hour. Occupy him to keep him content there for about ten minutes while you hope something happens. When it does, make a big deal out of it. Even though he didn't do it intentionally, it's a triumph because this is how he figures out where the stuff is SUPPOSED to go. If your child passionately resists the potty, be calm and reassuring. Try to be consistent and firm, but if you believe he is seriously unwilling, don't force him. Try getting him to sit on the potty just once a day, during a key time like first thing in the morning or in the middle of a warm bath. Once he's calmer about sitting on the potty, try again to do it throughout the day. Eventually he will learn how to make it happen on purpose. As well, any accidents he has while off the potty should be seen as learning experiences for his benefit, not as missed opportunities to use the potty. Once he has fewer accidents and uses the potty well, it is time for underwear, but still use diapers as necessary. It's not graduation time yet. At this stage the decrease in accidents is due both to you being so well trained at routine potty times as well as to him being a master over what to do while he's there. Be proud of both of you. Give him very, very explicit explanations about how to know in advance when he needs to go potty. Eventually he will start to be aware of his urges and tell you he needs to go.

The third approach relies heavily on the child's responsibility. Basically you hold off on potty training until your child starts telling you she needs to go. Apparently this happens during the course of nature at some point, usually around three years old. It stands to reason that potty training in this way would result in a briefer training period with fewer accidents and a more solid success. (My daughter at two and a half is still wobbly in her ability to know she needs to go. Sometimes she still forgets to listen to her body, or would rather tell me after the fact that she needed to go.) It makes a lot of sense to wait until your kid says, "Mommy, I want to learn how to use the potty" before you put her there. There's certainly nothing wrong with waiting for this point in your child's developmental path. This approach usually believes that until you have this hard evidence of bathroom skill, a child simply is unable to interpret her body's signs and control bowl and bladder functions. I really disagree with this, as the first two approaches support. However, I also feel if this is the approach the parent feels confident about, or if the child being trained is very passionate about avoiding the potty, it is likely the best way to go.

No matter the method you use or the age at which your child becomes trained, there is still a long time ahead of you in which you will be heavily involved in every potty time. It's a big chore for little kids and they need help. So count on being out of diapers but still extremely involved in poop and pee. Really, it's a big break for your wallet and garbage man (no more diapers), a huge milestone for your kid, but not much of a relief to you for a while yet. So there's really not much sense behind the "get potty trained quick" methods of toilet training. No matter how quickly your child catches on during the potty training process, no matter how early in life she is able to take initiative in using the potty, you will still be included in every potty episode, still be wiping your little one's behind, still be washing your hands a multitude of times each day, for a while to come. So there's really no great convenience in early potty training success over later success.

Potty training is not the big deal our society makes it out to be. Patience more than perseverance is the key. This is an unpleasant time for all parents, and for most children, too. Give you and your kid both a break by realizing there is no single right way to potty train and no reason to be in a hurry and nothing to feel pressure about. It's bound to happen someday. You only have so much control over the whens and the hows. Just take it a week or a day at a time and feel your way along with your kid until success comes. And I promise it will come.