It's Time to Write an AC (Yahoo!) Article When..

-Your Daily Estimated Page Views drop below 200. (Some AC Contributors probably get upset when their Daily PVs dip below 2000. I'll never be one of those people.)

-You've been 71% of the way to Clout Level 9 for two weeks straight.

-You need just one more dollar in your PayPal account to buy something ridiculous, like this.

-The most exciting thing you've done all day is change your profile picture on Facebook. And it's not even a good picture. Look at you, you freak! What kind of a face is that?!

-You miss the steady stream of supportive comments from all your adoring fans on AC.

-Frank Mucci starts giving writing advice, and you're dumb enough to do what he says.

-You start thinking in prose, narrating your thoughts in third person. Here's an example: "Maria wonders why she's so damn tired all the time. She isn't the sick one. She wishes she could remember how she felt a year ago, because she's certain that she felt different then. It must have been wonderful to not know everything she knows now."

-Your five-year-old daughter-the "sick one" who isn't really sick anymore, but who still needs another 18 months of maintenance chemotherapy-is throwing a tantrum. It all started when she wanted to go in the pool in the backyard, and I said, "Fine. But this time you'd better actually stay in the pool and not whine about bugs." So I changed her into her Tinker Bell swimsuit, lathered her up with sunscreen, got her a clean SpongeBob beach towel, and I put on jeans to protect my legs from the mosquitoes-my blood is like crack to them.

We went out to the pool-a cute little inflatable giraffe pool-and she saw a bee, or thought she saw a bee, near the water. "The bee's gone. Just get in," I urged. She stepped into the water, spotted some dead ants, and stepped out. "Get rid of the bugs, Mommy!" she screamed. I scooped a bunch of bugs, dead and alive, out of the water. "I can't get rid of all the bugs, baby. Just get in and play. The bugs aren't gonna bother you," I said. "Hold my hand!" she screamed. "You don't need me to hold your hand," I said. "There's too many bugs!" she screamed. "Just get in the water and ignore the bugs and have fun," I growled. "I saw another bee!" she screamed.

I sighed. "It's gone now. Are you gonna get in the water or not?" "There's too many bugs! GET RID OF THE BUGS!!!" "The bugs live out here and they like the water. That's just the way it is. If you don't wanna get in the water, we're gonna go back inside." She cried when I wrapped her in the towel. She cried when I unwrapped her and gave her one last chance to get back in the pool.

There weren't any bees or ants in the living room, which should have cheered her up, right? She threw a bunch of books on the floor. She threw her flip-flops down the basement stairs. She threw her shorts behind my recliner. She found a fruit snacks wrapper between the couch cushions and threw it on the floor. She wasn't done screaming. It got louder, in fact. "I WANNA WATCH 'TOM AND JERRY'! I WANNA WATCH 'TOM AND JERRY'!" "No. No TV right now. You need to pick up the mess you made," I said. "NO! I'M TOO TIRED!" She stomped back to my bedroom.

"Are you gonna sleep in your swimsuit?" I asked her. "No! It's hurting me! My back's itchy!" I dabbed at her back with a cold, damp washcloth and helped her change clothes. Then I tucked her in and left. Finally, I could write an AC article-the first one I'd written in two weeks.

"Gimme Tiger!" my daughter screamed. "You need to ask politely," I said. "PLEASE gimme Tiger, please!" she screamed. I tossed her stuffed tiger onto the bed. "Am I not acting good, Mommy?" she asked. "No, you're not acting good. When you wake up, you're gonna have to pick up the mess you made."

An hour later, she came out to the living room, refreshed and smiling. "Can you watch me clean up?" she asked sweetly. When she bent over to grab a book, I could see the faint bruise and puncture mark on her back from the bone marrow biopsy her oncologist did two weeks ago. I felt guilty that I hadn't done more to get rid of all the stinkin' bugs in the pool.

It's time to write an AC (Yahoo!) article when you stop caring about clout levels and page views and PayPal funds, and want to write something honest and sad and funny.