Jack Bauer and the Beanstalk

I have been toying around with the idea of writing children's books. And I have a very specific agenda. You see, I think that today's children's literature just doesn't prepare kids for the harsh realities of contemporary society. Sure, they may learn about sharing toys... but where are the picture books that tell them they might one day be sharing STDs or weaponized viruses???

That's why I've been thinking of storybooks with a sharper edge, for today's post 9/11 child. Here are some ideas...

CSI: Neverland:

Imagine... Peter Pan's shadow has been murdered. Fairy Detectives will use all of the scientific (and magical) equipment at their disposal to solve the crime. (Probably Captain Hook did it... but maybe they'll be a shocking twist. Wendy Darling perhaps? Or perhaps the jealous Tinkerbell finally let her temper get the best of her.

NYPD Blue's Clues:

I miss that wonderfully scripted cop show, NYPD. Let's bring it back, but for younger audiences. Instead of that do-gooder Steve, let's team up Lt. Sipowitz with the now famous blue hound-dog. Together, they'll look for clues. Grizzly, highly disturbing clues!

Nip / Tuck / Ugly Duck:

A spin-off of the acclaimed HBO drama about immoral plastic surgeons. This time, the lascivious doctors turn their scalpel on characters from mother goose. After all, Little Bo Peep isn't so little anymore. She's due for a liposuction!

The Lion, the Witch and the Weapons of Mass Destruction:

Will the adorable British children find a magical land called Narnia, or perhaps merely biological weapons? Kids will be on the edge of their seats.

The Smurfpranos:

I think the name speaks for itself. Picture James Gandolfini with a blue face, white beard and a red hat.

And finally, my personal favorite...

Jack Bauer and the Beanstalk:

Yes, I'm hoping to get in touch with Keifer Sutherland and the producers of 24. I believe that we could combine their adrenaline-inducing style with the classic fantasy tale about a boy who isn't afraid to break a few rules to get the job done.

I can picture the opening scenes:

Mother: Jack, I need you to go into town and sell our cow.

Jack: Damn it, Mom that's the wrong move!

and then later...

Jack: (Drawing his weapon and pointing at the mysterious old man's head.) Where are the god damn magic beans!

And then still later...

Jack: (Talking on the cell phone to Giant.) Give me the golden harp, or I'm cutting off your goose's beak!

Giant: You wouldn't dare!

Jack: You don't know what I'm capable of!

Great ideas, don't you think? Let me know if you have any of your own ideas. In the mean time, I'm going to start illustrating... Now let's see... Where did I put my Crayolas? I've got a deluxe pack with 96 colors and a sharpener on the back. You know, nothing but the best for the future generations of America!