Jack O'Lantern Found Dead

Nov. 1--Jack O'Lantern, a well-known fall visitor to the area, was found dead yesterday by joggers sometime around sunrise. A spokesman for the police department said his death is being investigated as a homicide. O'Lantern, who immigrated from Ireland, had suffered multiple knife wounds near his eyes, nose and mouth. Authorities said, however, death appears to have occurred when his skull was crushed in the road.

The county medical examiner announced early this morning that an autopsy revealed an incision encircled Mr. O'Lantern's scalp and that most of the victim's brain matter had been drained. Brain draining is a long-standing tradition in ancient satanic rituals, although O'Lantern's recent decision to accept employment in Washington D.C., another location historically known for brain draining, may have played a role in his ultimate demise. Burn marks about the inside of O'Lantern's skull remain unexplained.

Friends, who asked to remain anonymous, said they were shocked at his death, and that he was never involved with paganism, nepotism, sarcasm, Satanism or any of the other animal rights movements. Authorities are asking witnesses who might have seen something suspicious the night of Oct. 31, or grocery store clerks who may have recently sold a paring knife, to contact the city's victim witness hotline. Rewards are being offered for information that leads to an arrest.

Activists immediately cited the incident as yet another example why a five-day waiting period on paring knives, and complete background checks are necessary--especially in October, a month noted for promoting such ghoulish behavior.

"There were ghosts, goblins and ghouls all over the streets last night," one of his neighbors said. "But when I saw Batman, Robin, Spiderman and even the Incredible Hulk later in the evening, I thought everything was going to be OK. I mean, with super heroes like that out, how could something like this happen? I sure hope Snow White made it home OK."

Another neighbor told us, "Jack was anything but a seedy character. In fact, he was the light of this community. We we're visiting on the front deck that night, and when I stepped in for a few seconds to turn my porch light off, when I came back out....he was gone."

An undue number of candy wrappers left at the scene of the crime has led authorities to widen the scope of their investigation to nearby emergency rooms, theorizing the perpetrator may have been admitted with a diabetic coma. Local dentist are also being asked if any of their patients have unusually bad tooth decay due to sugar intake.

Services will be held tomorrow at St. Patrick's Cathedral at midnight. In lieu of flowers, the family has asked donations be made to the Vegetable Liberation Front.

Mr. O'Lantern is survived by 3 pumpkin pies and ten pumpkin cookies. He was preceded in death by his wife, Ms. Jacqueline O'Lantern, who died in an eerily similar incident last year. That case remains unsolved to this day.