Jane Doe

I always wondered why you weren't there for me. All those years that I was in pain, I was left to solitude, and your door remained closed. All that time that I was struggling to survive my life, there was no one to turn to, and you were supposed to be there for me. But now I understand. I wasn't the only one drowning in depression. You were struggling to hold on too.

It took death hitting home to wake you up. You realized your mistakes, but saying I'm sorry through a million tears would never change what was done. But you promised to change, and for awhile, you did. And the years went by, and now we're here. And you are far away. Again.

I understand the need to hold on to the good times now gone. I tried to look back on my life, hoping to find such memories, but all I found were broken fragments of my life. I made mistakes that I can never take back, and those mistakes have cut me apart from those once close. I have said and done things when I should have remained silent, but anger took the wheel. And I'm angry again at you for slipping under when I found the strength to stand, but you are not like me. And I can't follow where you lead because I've been down that dark road before, and I almost didn't come back. But her death woke me up, giving me a second chance, and I am still trying to find a way to live my life. But you gave up.

I know the sanctuary that this room provides, locking the world out. I could sink into oblivion beneath the covers and dream the sweetest of dreams, but ignorance won't deny the nightmares to come. Fear will always hold the future, and the past can't stay golden forever. But these four walls keep you safe, holding you together, and they held me strong. But I can't live my life like this anymore like you, and I took that chance, opened the door, and stepped outside. But you remained behind.

And time goes on. Life waits for no one, and it is passing you by. You sleep while the world turns, missing moments to replace the good times now gone, but you tell yourself different. You hold on to whispers, images faded, but we grew up. And our lives are changing, but do you notice? Do you care? If, when you finally wake up, will we be gone, leaving you here because we couldn't stand still? We can't ignore or hold back the journey to our life, and we can't disappear no matter how easy it is to do so. We can't wait for you, but you tell yourself different. But will you ever realize that you are wrong?

I wish that my words could change your mind, but you are as stubborn as me. This is how you want to remain, oblivious and lost, and I can't stand still. Life is rolling on by, and I kept missing the train. But I'm done being left alone, drifting across the platform, and if you are happy remaining like that, then I can't change your mind. All I can do is hope to see you again, but too many years have gone by, filling me with doubt. And after all this time, I know that you won't change, but there is nothing left for me to do but live my life. And one day, I will be gone, chasing the journey that I feared once, but I know that if I push and keep pushing, then maybe I will find where I want to be. And maybe, one day, you will do the same.

But I understand. As a child, I never saw it. During the troubled teen-aged years, I was lost in my own misery. After high school, I struggled to pick up the broken pieces of my life, still slicing me deep. It took forever to come here, and I can't, won't fall back now. So, I won't follow where you lead. I'm done breaking apart. All I want is to finally feel alive, and I'm a step closer to that. So, this is where I say good-bye, leaving your pain and oblivion behind, and maybe, one day, you will find your way back. And I will see you again.