Jealousy Can Destroy a Family

Throughout my life, I have seen jealousy cause unnecessary tension and strife in many families. Whether it's between siblings, parents, extended kin, in-laws or any combination of the aforementioned, jealousy fuels divisiveness among family members and can lead to years of bickering or even estrangement. And unfortunately, the damage that is often caused by jealousy within families can take years or even decades to repair.

So what factors cause the Green-Eyed Monster to surface within families? Well the list is probably much too long to cover in one article, but there are a few that instantly come to mind.

Unmet desires. As human beings, we all have basic needs and oftentimes we develop expectations around those needs. For example, a child's need for love and attention from a parent shapes his or her expectations of that parent. If the child craves the parent's undivided attention, he or she may react negatively to things and people that pose a "threat" to that attention, such as work obligations or the addition of a new child to the family, or even a stepparent. And while a conscientious parent can usually work through these issues with their child, some children grow up carrying resentment toward the parent, who they feel let something or someone get in the way of that parent-child relationship.

Parents also experience jealousy when it comes to their children. As one female coworker of mine recently noted, women spend 9 months or so carrying a baby, go through the indescribable pain of labor, and then run the risk of that baby somehow learning to say "Da Da" before learning to say "Ma Ma'!" Even during those early years, husbands and wives may feel a twinge of jealousy as one parent seems to get more attention or affection from the child than the other or the child seems to be getting more attention from the spouse than his or her mate.

Some parents who are used to being the center of their child's universe have a hard time adjusting once that child grows up and enters into a serious romantic partnership. I have found this to particularly be the case with mothers and their adult sons, but it can also be the case with a mother and adult daughter, or a father and adult child of either sex. Reacting to what feels like a heavy loss, the parent may behave negatively toward their child's love interest and cause problems for that relationship. Unfortunately, some adult children have felt the need to "choose" between their parents and their romantic partners due to ongoing conflict, and this can be devastating for all parties involved.

Destructive comparisons made between family members. Another major cause of jealousy within families often results in sibling rivalry, and that is unhealthy comparisons between siblings - usually by the parent or caretaker. One child may seem to repeatedly be placed on a pedestal as their talents, accomplishments or attractiveness are highlighted while the other child feels ignored or slighted. For example, if one child excels academically, a parent may say to the other child, "See, why can't you get grades like this?" What the child hears is that he or she is inadequate in their parent's eyes, which can cause a great deal of pain, not to mention low self-esteem. It also can pit one child against the other as the child who wants Mom and/or Dad's approval begins to act out toward their sibling. Ironically, I have seen this played out even more so among adult siblings, as one sibling reacts negatively to Mom or Dad's constant praise of the other's professional and personal accomplishments. It always surprises me when I hear that siblings are "not as close" in adulthood as they may have been when they were much younger, and I wonder if jealousy ever has anything to do with the dwindling closeness over the years in some cases.

Other comparisons are often made within families aside from just comparisons made between siblings. For example, one set of grandparents may be positively or negatively compared to another by someone in the family, and kids may even form a tighter bond with one set of grandparents for one reason or another. This can also be the case with aunts and uncles. I have heard many young people state that they are closer to one aunt or uncle than the others, and while feelings of jealousy on the other end may not be expressed verbally, they often do emerge in such situations.

Divorce and remarriage. Within stepfamilies, jealousy almost seems inevitable and strikes on so many different levels. First, there's the divorced couple, and the adjustment phase that takes place as new spouses enter the scene. Sometimes the jealousy may be on one side, but it can also be on both. Especially if there are children involved. If the children primarily reside with one parent (which is typically the case), the other parent may feel jealousy as special times are shared that they are not able to be a part of. However, the parent who now has primary custody of the children may feel jealous if they perceive their ex to now have more freedom and be in a better financial position, since they are no longer responsible for the day-to-day aspects of raising children.

Then there's also jealousy that arises as children or teens adjust to the stepparent. They may have hoped deep down that their parents would reunite, or perhaps they formed an even closer bond with the parent who became their sole or primary caretaker. The addition of a new parent to the equation is rarely seen as beneficial to the child. More often than not, it is seen as a threat to the existing parent-child relationship. For this and many other reasons, stepparents and stepchildren have their share of struggles as they adjust to each other's presence in their lives and all that comes along with it. And if the stepparent has children of his or her own residing in the same household, there may at times be jealousy on all sides as everyone struggles to define their position in the newly formed family.

Disparities in socioeconomic status. It is a very difficult situation when one member of a family or one whole side of a family achieves financial prosperity that other members do not have. Even if it's not wealth per se, but just the ability to have nice things and enjoy travel or other benefits that money can by, this tends to cause jealousy in many families. In some families, there are members who are at or near poverty level while others are middle class or higher. The members who are struggling may long for the lifestyle that the members who are well off have, or even feel that it is the other members' responsibility to pay their bills, buy houses or cars for them, or just give them money upon request. This is a very sensitive issue that people tend to handle differently. Some family members who enjoy financial prosperity may adopt an "I worked hard for mine, so you need to work hard for yours" mentality while others may carry a tremendous sense of obligation to take care of the entire family as much as possible. In large families, however, it is virtually impossible to do equal for all family members and jealousy is quite often the result.

There are no quick remedies for jealousy within families, and not all jealousy leads to conflict or turmoil. Nor is jealousy at the root of every family conflict. It is important however to be aware of it when it occurs and try to work toward a resolution if problems should arise. Otherwise, the end result may not only be broken families, but also broken hearts and spirits.