Jean Quest - a Man's Perspective on Women Shopping for Jeans

For women, shopping for jeans seems to be a quest, a journey of enlightenment, maybe even a religious experience. As a guy, I appreciate a woman wearing jeans that fit right, and I guess indirectly I must appreciate the work it takes to find a pair of jeans that flatters a woman's form. But I guess I never understood the angst and agony a woman goes through to find jeans that fit her, and make her feel... yes, let's say it... sexy.

Until starting to research this piece, I never really considered the variety of jean styles that even exist. For a guy, there two styles - dress jeans and work jeans. One has more pockets and tool loops - you can probably guess which is which. Color? Blue, mainly, but black isn't a bad choice either for a job that's pretty dirty. And I've seen uncolored denim used by painters. For a guy, it's the toughness of the fabric, how sturdy the pants are, and whether or not they fit around his waist that make the call. Unless he has to wear boots, then he needs flared legs.

Guys don't worry about jeans making his butt look big. Whether his butt IS big or not isn't a consideration. Where he can GET the jeans that will clothe his hairy hide IS important. How long it TAKES him to GET the jeans his secondary goal - if it takes more than five minutes to run into a store, grab the right size off the shelf, pay for them, and get back in his vehicle, that store goes to the bottom of the list.

For a woman - the number of selections available at a store in color, style, leg fit, and hip-to-waist ratio seem to be the biggest consideration before choosing where to shop for jeans. If there isn't a twelve-foot high, 100-foot wide wall with a rainbow of colors and 17 permutations of each style, she will forgo that retailer.

And women TRY ON THEIR JEANS before buying them! If there isn't a room to try on jeans at the store (I'm sure there are rooms for guys in stores for trying on their jeans, I've used them to buy suits) they WILL NOT GO THERE. And they don't try on just one - they look like a Sherpa heading up the side of Mount Everest when they head to the dressing room - unless, of course, there's a guy along to do the heavy lifting, then HE looks like a Sherpa.

And woe be to that poor man accompanying a woman on a Jean Quest. She will, without fail, come out and ask the dreaded question. A question that most men would rather DIE A HIDEOUS DEATH at the hands of rabid wolverines than answer - especially if she is his significant other and/or potential bedmate.

"Do these make my butt look big?"

I mean, come on. That's like asking "When did you stop beating your kids." There IS NO RIGHT ANSWER. You've boxed that poor man into a corner. You just made him feel like a rat in a cage with a large python slither ever closer.

And fellas - a tip: PREVARICATE! The right answer is "Honey, nothing could make your butt look big." Or, feign a heart attack. Anything, but DO NOT ANSWER HONESTLY if they DO make her butt look big. "Why don't you try on that (green/black/white/hiphugger) ones instead?" If you answer "YES" you are fated to a doom WORSE than death. If you answer "YES," change your phone number, move, and become a monk somewhere on a remote mountaintop. Word will spread of your transgression faster than the speed of light.

Ladies - don't take a guy on your quest to find a perfect fitting pair of jeans. Take a girl friend. Take your mother. Take a child - they will all tell you the honest to God truth to that question. A guy will SQUIRM OUT OF IT because he MUST.