Jerry

If I would've known that the end was so close I would have treated you differently. I took you for granted which I find myself doing with everyone in my life. Even my own grandparents who are supposed to be my parents I take for granted. And now that you're gone I live in constant fear of losing everyone in my life while I stand around watching it happen like a silent observer. I didn't know how to help you. For this I am sorry. I find myself talking to you even though deep down inside I don't believe you are there. But I guess I have to believe in some sort of bullshit afterlife for my own sanity. I thought you would turn your life around and call me in a few months and be better. Obviously that didn't happen; instead you sank into a hole that you would never come out of. A hole that at times I see myself falling into as well. Are you there with her? Are you two watching me? Sometimes I think I'm being called by you, I can hear your voice calling me. Not in a haunted way, but as if you're trying to get my attention. Is this how you died? Wanting me to be there, maybe that was your unfinished business. God doesn't even factor into any of this. I wish I could sit here and blame that for taking you, after all isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Call him a sadist and wonder why he's a cruel god. And then one day find peace with him and know that we'll see each other in the afterlife. Fuck that, I only see you as a non-entity now, something that no longer exists. Someone who died alone in his bed while the world went on, someone who had demons and was consumed by his own selfish addictions. And someone who I will never have a conversation with again. My grief is extreme but I try to not show it. It's like living on the edge of a razor blade and trying not to fall off. Living like that day in and day out is really draining on my mind and body. Every day I wonder if today will be the day that I snap, but it never happens. At times I feel crazy, other times full of fear. Fear of dying, fear of everyone dying around me, fear of being alone. I think you saw me as that rock that you never were, but I'm not, although I allowed you to think this. I'm a weak person who can put on a good show even to those closest to me. I feel like living this way has robbed me of experiencing life as it should be. A life without fear, guilt and death. Am I going to die early? Many times I feel like you and mom are now waiting for me, I should be next, it would only make the picture complete wouldn't it? Your grandfather, my mother, you and finally me. We would make a hell of a team out there in dead people land. Some of the funniest people I've ever known all together in one place. But I don't want to die and I don't want to be rushed into it either. There's still stuff I need to do here. Please know this though, I miss you tremendously and I do hope there is a place we will meet again where we will be at peace with our fucked up minds. Until then rest easy my sweet brother.