Jerry Falwell Dead. Richard Dawkins Exclaims, "There is a God!"

Jerry Falwell, televangelist and founder of the Moral Majority, collapsed at his Liberty University office and died Tuesday (15 May 2007). Most of Falwell's 73 years were spent building one of the first successful modern christo-political empires. His early adoption of television in pursuit of converts and contributions paved the way for imitators and charlatans alike.

The founder of the Moral Majority was discovered without a soul in his campus office in 1989. Tuesday, he was discovered without a pulse in the same office and pronounced dead. His previous pronouncement of insignificant was not discussed by hospital staff or campus security.

Falwell lead the rise of Christian conservatism and the Moral Majority's unabashed assault on homosexuality, abortion and pornography. Unfortunately, he forgot some of the other deadly sins such as gluttony which directly contributed to his cardiopulmonary demise. Las Vegas' odds-makers were disappointed as they had heart-attack as a 3:1 bet with methane explosion as a house favorite at even money.

Tinky Winky, executive director of National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and Daisy Cutting League, offered his back-handed condolences in a rare, comprehensible, spoken statement "Unfortunately, we will always remember him as a founder and leader of America's anti-gay industry, someone who exacerbated the nation's appalling response to the onslaught of the AIDS epidemic, someone who demonized and vilified us for political gain and someone who used religion to divide rather than unite our nation. He was also anti-purple, anti-fuzzy, and anti-purse." Tinky mumbled in conclusion, "Man purse. It's not a purse. It's a large manly wallet."

When news of Falwell's death reached renowned humanist author Richard Dawkins a spontaneous neo-pagan bonfire ignited outside the Richard Dawkins Foundation headquarters. Dancing nude around the fire, Dawkins shouted, "There is a God!" while intermittently slapping his fingers to his mouth and uttering "Woo, woo, woo."

When asked to comment on Falwell's overdue passing, Christopher Hitchens was quoted as saying, "Confused? Are you confused? My book has 'god' in tiny letters and 'god' is in lower case. Does that confuse you? Wait. I have a U.S.A. lapel flag, but speak with a British accent. Does that confuse you? My name is Christopher and people don't call me Chris. Now I'll bet you're really confused." Other intelligent but indecipherable mumblings followed Hitchens remarks, but remain untranscribed from tape.

Palestinian carpenter, Jesus Christ, could not be reached for comment. His spokesperson Gabriel relayed these prepared remarks. "I can say that Falwell was a fine gentleman since I don't speak ill of the dead. He remained true to his cause until the end. I have not seen him lately, but am sure he is doing well where ever his journey lead."