Jessica Alba's Revenge at the 2007 Teen Choice Awards

Although I am no regrettably longer a teen - I did manage to catch a few minutes of the Teen Choice Awards. I guess for me it is like trying not to stare at a traffic accident or a midget. Fortunately, I watched long enough to see Jessica Alba take home the prize for the female hottie award, a most deserving win I might add. What struck me was her acceptance speech, which took direct aim at an old classmate.

"I would like to dedicate this award to a young man who has been on my mind for the last 19 years, Ross" Alba told the audience. "Ross didn't love me. I was pigeon-toed. I had a sway back. I was slightly cross-eyed, buck-toothed. I sucked my thumb. Look at me now, Ross! Look at me now!"

In the press room following her exit from the stage, she further elaborated by saying Ross had "promised that if I kissed him he would choose me for baseball ... I was still chosen last. I never trusted men again."

Talk about holding a grudge! If Alba is now 26 years old, and she is lamenting about incidences that transpired 19 years ago, then my calculations place her and Ross in the second grade.

Ross is probably a poor bastard that has to wash the cigarette smoke out of his hair every night after working a double as bartender at Leo's Tap. After Dark Angel hit the airwaves in 2000, he would brag to friends that he was Jessica Alba's first kiss. Now he has to endure the ridicule of friends after her vengeful comments at the Teen Choice Awards. He is undoubtedly crying himself to sleep right now in his bed in the spare bedroom above his parents' garage.

What Jessica Alba does not understand is that in grade school, especially second grade, there are two kinds of boys: those that think girls are one of the lowest forms of creatures on the planet (right under mosquito larvae) and those who do not - but would NEVER reveal this to their grade school buddies.

Ross would have definitely fit into the latter category since he did ask for a kiss. However, he did not tip his hand to his pals on the baseball team by picking her last on the team. Besides, her comment just says he would chose her for the team - but did not mention the order. Under this light, Ross clearly did not violate the agreement.

In addition, Ross used the name calling to mask his true feelings for her to the other boys. What better way to prove to them that you despise girls than by ripping her to shreds? I myself had to spend an afternoon in the hallway in the fourth grade for saying Amy Ashmore smelled like pee (of course she was the hottest girl in school).

Fortunately for Ross she choose the Teen Choice Awards on Fox to voice her vendetta against him. How many people watch this show - besides me and a gazillion teeny boppers? I shudder to think if she ever wins an Oscar. Hopefully she will move on to a guy who treated her like crap in junior high school.