Jester Lettermen

Imagine what it would be like if talk show host, David Lettermen, did his opening monologue at a Medieval Times Dinner. This is what it might sound like.

DAVID: Good evening, Good King George and Good Queen Elizabeth. I just arrived by coach from yon Londonderry and, boy, I can't waiteth for someone to inventeth first class.

(Rimshot)

DAVID: A funny thing happened on the way to the festival tonight. A lowly peasant stopped me and said he hath no money, his wife had lefteth him for a hemlock salesman and his wheat crop had died from drought. So, I said compassionately, "What do I looketh like? Sir William Gates?"

(The audience boos.)

DAVID:(to audience) May a herd of dysentery cattle visit your front yard. But seriously, Good King George, remember when thou left on thine trip to Camelot and thou entrusted to me with the key to thine lovely Queen Elizabeth's chastity belt, because thou said thou could not trust anyone else with it? Well, I am here to say that thou lefteth the wrong key.

(Rimshot)

DAVID: Everyone knoweth the kindness our King has for his fellow man. Like the other evening, when thou good King needed to dispatch one of thine Roundtable members on an important mission, but outside the gate there stood a ferocious and angry Doberman. It was thou Good King who said, "Thy wouldn't send a Knight out on a dog like this."

(The audience boos.)

DAVID:(to audience) May the sorcerer mix up a love potion for thee that attracts an overly amorous mountain yak. But, Good King and Queen, hast thou heard about the deeds as done by one Robin Hood, who steals from the rich and giveth to the poor? How do I getteth on his mailing list?

(Rimshot)

DAVID: Sir Robin was asked what one who steals from the rich and giveth to the poor should be called and he replied, "A Democrat."

(More audience boos.)

DAVID: (to audience) May thou falleth into the palace mote at the same time the royal sewer system is flushed. Seriously, King George, getting back to Sir Robin, it seems his lady fair goeth by the name of Maid Marion. It seems the fair Marion got her name after spending the night with yon Minnesota Vikings.

(Rimshot)

DAVID: And the fair Maid Marion claims she will never marry Sir Robin, because she doth not wish to go through life being called "Maiden Hood."

(More audience boos)

DAVID: (to audience) May Merlin the Magician make thy spouse resemble the village idiot. Wo! Excuse me, mam, too late. But seriously, good people, Sir Robin was asked why his band of Merrymen are so merry. He informed thee that the village tailor made all their tights one size too small.

(Rimshot)

DAVID: And what about Princess Carol. Wouldst she be ugly, or what? She has a face that could stoppeth an eight day sundial.

(More boos)

KING: Take him away and bringeth me back his head.

DAVID: Wait, Good King, for a jester without a head is merely redundant.

The guards drag David off.

DAVID: Wow, tough room.