Jesus Christ Reveals that Tea Party is the Antichrist

New York, NY--Jesus Christ, the savior of mankind and the only long-haired hippy whose presence conservatives can stand for longer than ten minutes, made a surprise visit to Studio 3A at the Rockefeller Center early Friday morning to reveal to MSNBC contributor Willie Geist that the Tea Party, which is overwhelmingly Christian, is in fact the very essence of the Antichrist.

"It has been a long time since God and I worked with, you know, Moses, John, Greg, Peter, Bobby and whomever to prepare the Bible and New Testament and all that crap," Jesus told Willie while he flipped through the latest edition of Endtime Magazine, "but I am pretty sure that we said something about showing love to the poor, not judging others, being open to new ideas, coveting spirituality over wealth, and only using the term Hitler to refer to people who commit genocide--and not like, you know, the president."

He continued, "Yet the Tea Party doesn't do any of that. Mind you, I think we also said something about how you should beat up slaves that misbehave, kill all the citizens of a conquered nation, and burn your daughter alive as a sacrificial offering to God when like, you know, times are tough and you could really use an extra 50 bucks to get your car payment in on time, but hey, the Tea Party folks should be able to tell when we're joking around."

Jesus went on to cite the many ways in which Tea Party members, though claiming to represent the very best of Christian values, behave contrary to his and his father's teachings. In particular, he noted their staunch stance against universal healthcare, which would have allowed anyone to receive mental and physical treatment, regardless of financial status; their fuming antipathy toward people of different religions and sexuality, not to mention manatees; and their condescending disapproval of the arts, contemporary music, and Hollywood.

"Flying around heaven for 2,000 years has taken a heavy toll on my body, but because of Hollywood, everybody thinks I'm some sort of super-sexy and ripped pretty boy," Jesus explained. "Besides, just because someone is an actor doesn't mean he or she isn't entitled to an opinion on say . . . politics."

He added, "Plus, I don't see Tea Party members donating portions of their wealth to any charities--besides their own, of course."

According to Jesus, another sign that Tea Party members are out of touch with Christianity is their penchant for false prophecy. He claims that Tea Party notables and favorites like Texas Governor Rick Perry, conservative radio hosts Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and about 75% of the guests on the Coast to Coast radio show are all false prophets.

"Instead of listening to these goofy lunatics, the Tea Party needs to be listening to the real prophets, as in John Lennon, Uncle Luke, Marc Anthony, and Matthew Bellamy," Jesus argued while he made sweeping air-guitar motions. "John imagined the perfect world, Luke taught us about doo-doo brown, Marc slept with J.Lo, and Matthew just rocks!"

Also telling of the Tea Party, Jesus asserted, is its hypocrisy, such as in the way the Tea Party feels it's entitled to this, that, and a third, but at the same time believes that people who are hard on their luck should just suck it. Even more damning are the Tea Party's greed and unwillingness to compromise, both of which threaten to bring the United States' economy to a screeching halt.

"Tea Party members dwell in a dark abyss of fear, greed, hatred and delusion, yet they feel that just because they pray every night, attend Bible meetings every Wednesday, and file into Church every Sunday, that they're somehow immune to the Antichrist--who, for the record, they claim everybody else is merely a pawn of," Jesus said as he shook his head in dismay.

"It's very sad. To find my dad and I, people must look within. Folks can spend the rest of their lives reading the writings of my father and I, but until they look deep inside themselves, they'll never find either of us. Most people realize this, but not the Tea Party. Instead of looking for solutions within themselves, they direct all their insecurities at the world--and in doing so, instead of slaying Goliath with a sling, they allow themselves to be taken over by the mentality of Oliver Crangle."

He added, "It's the epitome of irony; ain't it, though?"

Moral of the story: The Tea Party, in my opinion, is to Christianity what the Rosie O'Donnell is to a two-piece bathing suit--a bad fit!