Jesus Gets Lucky

You might think being born the Son of God would make the baby Jesus a very lucky boy but if you know anything of his life story you soon realize deification is often a mixed blessing.

A constant in the young life of Jesus was the love of his mother Mary but almost all little boys are blessed with a mother's love. His father was gentle and kind and taught him a trade but was always a little standoffish with the idea of a God son. The true blessing of young Jesus' life was the constant presence and affection of his cousin Magda. Magda actually was the daughter of his mother's cousin, Martha. They lived in a big house near the sea of Galilee, Mary and Aunt Martha were very close and many visits occured; Magda often living with Mary and Joseph and Jesus being sent to Galilee for summer vacations.

Magda was dark skinned like her Uncle Lazarus, she had a hooked avian beak of a nose, black eyes and shining long obsidian hair. To Jesus she was the most beautiful girl in the world. All through childhood they played, bathed and slept together. Their love for each other was inevitable.

Jesus was a studious, quiet and serious young man. He endured his share of teasing but if Magda was around she would swoop like a falcon to his protection. Like Uncle Lazarus she was fierce and protective of all loved ones. She sensed Jesus' forboding future and was a fountain of encouragement, "I will be with you always. Turn around and you will find me."

When it came time for Jesus to set out on his Messianic mission he left Magda behind in Galilee and spent his time in the company of men he would find at the oasises and in the caravans. These fellows listened to his words and became Apostles in service to God the father and his son. Jesus loved the good company of these men but often he would feel the presence of Magda and turn around only to find that she was not there.

There came a time when word traveled down the camel route saying that Lazarus, the warrior was near death and that his neice, Magda was possessed by demons. Jesus and his men immediately set out for Tiberius on the sea of Galilee.

After an arduous week long journey Jesus and his band reached the tomb of Lazarus. The former patriarch and chieftain was stinking dead. Jesus had the crypt opened, did not cover his nose but entered and put the head of his Uncle in his lap and began to pray, "Dear Father, rekindle this husk with the spirit of life." Immediately the stinking grave took on the odor of the lillies of the field, Lazarus' cheeks flushed pink and he began to breathe. Much commotion and celebrating ensued but Jesus stole away to find Magda.

He found her prostrate upon her bed; thin, weak and trembling. She was possessed with the demons of depression, loss, abandonment, sadness and despair. Jesus took hold of her hand and said, "Magda, I should not have left you. Come be with me to the end." They walked enfolded in each other's arms to feast at Lazarus' house to regain her strength and remember their love. If Magda did cry at his feet, it was with tears of joy.

From that day forward the Apostolic traveling band included wives, children, girlfriends and other groupies. Magda acted as the traveling secretary and event planner. She was the one who began using Jesus' talent as a miracle worker to gain attention. The tour was a big success until 'the powers that be' took notice. Chasing the money changers from the temple grounds was Jesus' undoing. He pissed off the priests and they started the rumor that his messianic message was political. All sorts of rumors abounded: Jesus wasn't a Jew but a Nazarean Arab. Magda was a whore. The apostles were a bunch of homos. Jesus was a rock star and the message of peace and love was a bunch of hippie nonsense. The bad press twittered up and down the caravan routes and spread throughout the land.

Magda kept saying, "There's no such thing as bad PR," but Judas, the tours' financial guy, had other ideas. Judas resented all the attention the group was getting and Jesus' refusal to adopted his money making proposals. Judas was determined to sell the band out.

After entering Jerusalem to a hail of palm fronds the band retreated to the hill called 'Gethsemane' or 'the Skull' for some rest after supper at an Inn. That's where Judas turned his trick and the sucessful tour quickly unraveled. The fix was in.

Most all of us know the story from here but the problem with that is all the apostles were in hiding and John was scared shitless and preoccupied caring for mother Mary so the biblical rendition is lacking. Most of the 'passion' was routine Roman atrocity. Other than the physical pain Jesus suffered most from isolation and the feeling of abandonment.

On the cross after he had redeemed the world, forgiven his executioners and comforted the two thieves, Jesus looked down and saw Magda weeping at his feet. "Magda, there you are," he said in a weak voice. She looked up and smiled then gathered up her skirts and lifted them to show Jesus her pregnant belly. Jesus laughed, thought 'I'm a lucky man' and died.