Jesus' Love and My Failure

"And when He had said these things, one of the officers who stood by struck Jesus with the palm of his hand, saying, 'Do You answer the high priest like that?' Jesus answered him, 'If I have spoken evil, bear witness of the evil; but if well, why do you strike Me?'"

The thoughts I have on this short exchange between Jesus and the officer who struck Him greatly unsettle me. I compare myself to Jesus and my heart breaks at how miserably I measure up against Him. The very literal trial through which we now see Jesus endure involves not only humiliation and physical brutality but the full realization - and acceptance - of what the end of this trial will result in. How different do I handle myself in life's trials!

Reading earlier in verse 4 of this chapter, Jesus "went forward" when He saw the troops - and His death - coming for Him. His complete control, both of the situation and His own personal faculties, is astounding to me. I am so unlike Him it makes me sick to my stomach. If God allows me to see a trial approaching, I do my utmost to flee from it or prevent it from overtaking me. Instead of going forward to meet the hardship and trusting in God's promises to never leave me, to work all things for good, and to provide me the sufficiency of His grace, I act like a complete fool and disgrace myself. I'll do anything to avoid the slightest affront to my comfort. The littlest hardship is too much for me to bear with dignity and integrity. Focusing on the time frame of His arrest and looking forward, Jesus' actions are the perfect example for me to follow. Unfortunately, I blow it every single time a trial of any size comes before me.

I am a total failure. I don't say that lightly, yet I do say it with confidence in its validity. There is nothing good in me of which I could ever possibly hope to boast of. After Jesus moves forward to confront those who will illegally take Him, He willingly submits Himself to them after an awesome display of His power. He asks who they are seeking, they respond, and He replies with the Word which created all things. To this they are knocked down as He further substantiates His claim as the Son of God. Yet He submits to them! Their ignorance and complete lack of any morality notwithstanding, Jesus knows what this trial will bring so He puts aside His power and willingly submits to the hands of those who will beat Him and spit on Him and nail Him to the cross. How much am I unlike Jesus? If my walk over these past five months has taught me anything, it is my complete and total inability to find anything good or worthy of praise residing in me save the Holy Spirit. I deserve absolutely nothing, and I prove that over and over with every new test of my faith and devotion to Him. His love still gives to me however, and it's only by His grace I don't hide under a rock in shame and avoid contact with Him. Boldly I go to the throne of grace, but how easy it is to forget to do so and dwell on my life of failure.

Returning to His arrest, as He steps forward and claims the cup before Him, He considers not His own life but the lives of His disciples. Again, where are my eyes when the smallest trial is upon me? Looking only at myself, the consequences of which will likely affect those around me for the worse. Does that motivate me to seek their benefit and give of myself for their well-being? I can't think of a time that was the case. O selfish, wretched man that I am! I look at the picture of Jesus as He is bound and led away, having secured the safety of His disciples, and I can barely bring myself to ask my God for forgiveness for how much unlike His Son I am!

Then to the verses that began this study; Jesus is questioned by the high priest in the illegal proceedings of corrupt, evil injustice. For the sake of brevity, the mock trial Jesus is subject to is wholly illegal, beginning with His arrest and ending with His crucifixion. His responses to questions posed Him are given not as required under law but to demonstrate His full submission to the will of His Father and His love for even those wrongly accusing Him. Again, how unlike Him am I? How I would have been drug to my death screaming and yelling about the injustice and illegality of it all!

Next, Jesus is questioned and fully answers that asked of Him with both truth and finality. Both He and they know the claims brought against Him are without foundation and there is no guilt to be found in Him. Both He and they know that what is taking place is both highly illegal and highly immoral. But Jesus answers their question, and for doing so He is rewarded with brutality. Where was the high priest to stop this flagrant disregard for law and reason? Why was this officer not quickly reprimanded and fined as is according to Jewish custom of the time? Why didn't Jesus tell him who He was again, as obviously this officer had forgotten! Was not there a smug look of satisfaction on the faces of those questioning Jesus as they humiliated and mocked Him? How could Jesus simply stand there and let them do this to Him? He was right, they were wrong, and He sat there and let them strike Him even as He held their very being together as we read in Colossians 1:17!

The Son of God is allowing them to beat Him and humiliate Him and abuse Him; all for what? Couldn't He have done something, as I surely would have if I were in His place? Why did He act so unselfishly? Why did He leave His glory in heaven and take on the pain and suffering of this world and allow Himself to be treated so?

The answer, of course, is love. Jesus' love, on this day as well as every other, compelled Him to go forward to meet the lawless savagery of the very men He had come to save. How did He do this? His love is not a word, just as any true love is not a word. Love, as they say, is a verb. But it's more than a verb. Love motivated our Savior to endure the humiliation and suffering of the cross. He was wholly without sin, yet He came to this earth to become "sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Corinthians 5:17). I doubt my own love for my Savior - and people I profess to love - every day as I sin over and over again. If I loved Him as He loved me, I would not be so selfish. Of course, His love for me is far greater than I could ever hope to express towards Him or others. My failure does not mean I do not love Him, but I need to remind myself of this on a daily basis. My weak offering of love and praise is all a wicked man such as myself can bring.

The concept of love is something I don't understand. If I love my wife, why do I fail her continually? If I love her, why do my words not convey that message? If I love her, why do my actions fail to express that love? Likewise with my Savior; if I love Him, why is sin still such a large part of my life when a trial arises? Why do I still fail, so unlike my Savior, when my trial will end in incomparably less severity than the death of the cross? I question my knowledge of love and what it means to love others. I know that I am loved, and I know what it means to be loved. Unfortunately, it seems, that's the extent of my command of the act of love. Jesus told me to love others as I love myself. Its at least comforting to know that He's always a hundred steps ahead of me in my times of inner turmoil. If only I still didn't fail.

But I do continue to fail, and He continues to love me and draw near to me as I confess my sin and repent. I aggressively work to change my ways, to limit my exposures to sin and to fill my time with those things which are righteous to which we are called in Timothy 6:11. As I allow myself to be conformed to His image by the renewing work of the Holy Spirit dwelling within me, a great thing takes place. I not only learn to accept my wickedness and complete ineptitude in every aspect of life, I also learn the necessity of total dependence on Him. Anything good in me is of Him. There is nothing about me of which anyone would ever aspire to. If ever you look upon me and nod approvingly or think good thoughts towards me, please understand that it's not I who lives any more, but Christ who lives in me. If I do well, it is only because of the love of my Savior who has refused to let me die in sin even as I beat Him and spit on Him and nail Him to the cross with my actions and words and thoughts. I love my Savior, and it truly is because He first loved me.