Jimmy Carter and Genetic Research from the Kingdom of Peanutopia

As you take a big bite of that delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich, just remember there's a dark side to the romantic world of peanuts.

For 30 years I was an official guest of the government of the Kingdom of Peanutopia. During my time there, I was given unprecedented access to the records, culture, institutions and the private homes of some of the more prominent citizens.

It was during one visit to the remote alpine village of Ground Nut Valley, that one of the great secrets of the Kingdom was passed on to me. I was visiting with a distant relative of the 17th century potentate, Harald Half-peanut. As we were becoming acquainted I couldn't help noticing the neatly planted fields on the hills surrounding us. We began to discuss farming and exports to the World of Adam, (the Human world). As we were talking he told me a rather strange story. His father had participated in an unusual agricultural research project of some significance.

Apparently, Peanutopian scientists, working secretly with some of the greatest human scientists of the day, began to do experiments using the data collected by a controversial medical research program from the '20s.

It turns out that Peanutopia was and is fascinated by all things human. There were some concerns about financing, so certain individuals in the business community approached the wealthy, young Prescott Sheldon Bush, grandfather of our current President George W. Bush. While he himself wasn't directly involved in the cabal that was forming, he was responsible for locating initial financing for the still speculative project. As a result, this research was secretly funded through the Consolidated Free Trade Ventures group. The consortium consisted of both Peanutopians and certain human business people. Ultimately with the knowledge gained from that rather barbaric early research, the Peanutopians attempted to create a peanut-human hybrid! What could be better? A being with the intelligence, charisma and compassion of a nut combined with the humans unerring and neverending desire to earn the big bucks!

Somehow, a human unfertilized egg was produced (I was never told how it was obtained!), and then with a steady hand, Peanutopian surgeon Dr. Gerald Gulla-Goober, injected the egg with pollen from a healthy male peanut. Almost immediately, the cells in the specially prepared hybrid egg began to divide! At this point secrecy became a must!

It's only because of my unique family and government connections that I found out that this embryo was secretly planted into the womb of the matriarch of a politically connected Georgia family. At this time, the Carters were wealthy and powerful but they had no business interests involving peanuts. All of that was about to change!

As the embryo grew, there was some concern for the human mother. There were also those in the research community who speculated that a child born from such a union might look too much like a nut! If that had happened all the research would have been destroyed and the peanuts would have gone to ground, of course!

Fortunately, Jimmy Carter was able to pass for a human. I was told that the placenta however, looked strangely like a giant goober, shell and all. I tried to track it down as I believed it was to be saved for research, but was told it had been destroyed by the Smithsonian Institute. At the time, it was all thought to be an elaborate hoax.

Everyone involved in the successful project was jubilant. It was assumed that a new era of cooperation would now open between the two countries. However, the project was never revealed to the human public, as there was an unforeseen side effect to this experiment. Jimmy Carter became obsessed with peanuts and peanut memorabilia from an early age. He eventually became one of the more prominent peanut growers in the USA. Of course the peanuts he grew were not the super smart and socially chic nuts that I associated with while in Peanutopia. Apparently the Carters were growing an ancient strain of peanuts that was found only in Georgia trailer parks, and these nuts were believed to be barely sentient.

None the less, the emotional consequences for the Peanutopian scientists involved in the project became apparent after Carters 10th year. It was at this point, that he began to use small piles of peanuts in the shell for target practice. Scientists speculated that there was some sort of ancestral self loathing in humans that was somehow transferred to his peanut side causing him to strike out! Fortunately as he matured, he grew out of this phase. Eventually he began selling his nuts to one of the great names in Georgia peanut butter, Ted Turner. With clever marketing through the media, he drove the peanut butter market wild, so that today humans consume eight times the number of peanuts as they did early in the last century. Some attribute this increase in demand to the constant barrage of the modern multi media world, which turned normal people into peanut popping monsters.

I suppose the Peanutopians could have lived with the youthful target practice, but it was Carters heedless cruelty when he was fattening up his peanuts for the market that caused such outrage. Apparently, they were force fed fish meal and cow manure! The memory of those days still causes most people to turn away from the very explicit old 8 mm newsreels. I suppose the fact that the Peanutopians natural diet consists of such delicacies such as guava jelly, caviar, and Brie, might have been one of the reasons why the research project was finally shut down.

At any rate the experiment was never repeated. After a time a new discussion began, "What do we do with Carter?" Those poor peanuts were being treated liked animals and the Peanutopians involved in the project wouldn't stand for it! Certain solutions were discussed including some that were considered quite bizarre at the time. Fortunately, in the end cooler heads prevailed and Carter was simply given enough money to run for public office, thereby completely
neutralizing him. In the meantime, the day to day operations of his peanut farm where handed over to his brilliant brother Billy Carter.

Fortunately Billy was obsessed by beer and Bavarian Folk dancing, and as a result it was felt in certain quarters that he was "approachable." A deal was finally set up between the Kingdom and Billy Carter. Basically the agreement guaranteed Billy a lifetime supply of Billy Beer and pretzels. He was also given free annual tickets to the "International Bavarian Dancing Competition", currently being held, at the Schnotzinahoile Peoples Palace, Bavaria Germany. He in turn totally changed the fertilizer program on the huge Carter farm to a high quality commercial fertilizer mixed with Billy Beer rather than water as was customary. This formula still produced good sized goobers and they smiled a lot while singing german folk songs, also the peanut butter produced was no longer "suspect".

All of the information about these events in Peanutopia, was destroyed in the late 1990's. Today there is no way to verify any of this material. Unfortunately all of my attempts to obtain a blood test or a comment from Jimmy Carter were rebuffed. Perhaps it's time to let the past be the past.