Jobless Republican Candidates to Save the Day?

Anyone ever notice how most of the Republicans running for President do not hold current positions? They're unemployed! Does that mean anything? No! As George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan have proved, hard work is a vice. While they might not have jobs, while they might not have to vote or take stances on the pertinent issues in Congress or in their states, I can prove to you that each of them has been working tirelessly in the public service. And, just for clarification, by public service, you mean obvious self interest, right?

First up, we have FORMER Senator Fred Thompson. He left the Senate in 2003 to work one of the most pressing issues facing America. Solving crime. On television. As a dedicated public servant. Fred Thompson has worked tirelessly in Hollywood to make sure that we have something to watch on syndicated television until the end of time. Without his work, imagine what Must See TV would be like? Cringe.

Don't forget the estemed FORMER Mayor of New York City, Rudy Guiliani, who stepped down back in 2002, just six short years ago. Since leaving, though, he's continued to save New York City from the abyss by speaking all around the country about himself, action, and 9/11. He also started a website and...ugghh...did another speaking tour. Throw in a few shady Wall Street deals, Middle Eastern Business ties, and you got yourself the next President of the United States!

But wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves. The Governors are in the House!

First up, FORMER Governor Mitt Romney. At first glance, his four years as Governor seem to be an abberation from a lifelong career of raking in the dough, with his sons to assist him by not fighting for their country, but fighting to make Romney President. If that's not selfish, then I don't know what selfish means. In reality, giving up business to become Governor was merely a stepping stone to the most lucrative job in America - President. After deciding to avoid certain re-election defeat, and waiting nine long days after stepping down, Romney announced he was running for President. The next two months were spent flip-flopping to match the stances of Iowans and New Hampshirans. Massachusettes agrees!

But wait. Is that a bird? A plane? Jesus Christ? No! But close, its FORMER Governor Mike Huckabee, the Christian from Hope, here to wish us Merry Christmas, raise our taxes, and remind us that the majority of founding fathers were clergyman, and that Satan himself threw in that annoying clause about "Seperation of church and state." If this wasn't a Christian nation, then why else would the founding fathers have never told us anywhere in the Constitution? His logic is unmistakable, unquestionable, and Presidential.

And the others, the ones with "jobs?"

Of course. I can't forget Senator John McCain, who hasn't left the Senate to pursue a career of glory on television, or to achieve riches on a perpetual speaking tour, or to let god let him win the nomination. But with his second place ranking as having missed the most votes of any Senator (blasted Senator Tim Johnson and his "brain hemorrhage") its obvious that McCain's "job" is nothing more than a label, and that he's as tied to public service as his esteemed colleagues running for Senate.

As for the Congressman (Ron Paul, Tom Tacredo, and Duncan Hunter)? Where better to push your pet issues (Austrian economics, hatred of brown people, and "my border fence fantasy") than in the crazy, "loco" House of Representatives? Now that's called working for the American people.

With candidates working this hard to make America better, what more could you ask for?