John McCain Asks Barack Obama to Spot Him 80 Electoral Votes

In another unprecedented move by the floundering McCain campaign, the Republican nominee for President has publicly asked his Democratic opponent Barack Obama to spot him 80 Electoral votes in their November 4th contest for the White House.

Of course, each candidate is striving for 270 of the 538 Electoral votes available.

"It's only fair," McCain said, during his press conference. "I mean, I've got some distinct disadvantages. For one, I support the failed foreign and economic policies of the worst president this country's ever scene. I voted with George W. Bush ninety percent of the time, so the argument that I'm some kind of a maverick is tenuous at best. Really, I've got very little to work with."

John McCain went on to compare the race for the White House to a two-on-two street basketball game. "If Barack and I were going to engage in a game of pick-up in Chicago," he said, "surely Barack would spot me some points. What's so different about running for President? The same issues that would hamper me on the basketball court are hampering me in this election. I'm an old man, so I'm not too quick on my feet. I always let my emotions get the best of me. And for crying out loud, look at my teammate. Tell me she's not the weakest link! Senator Obama has Joe Biden, the political equivalent of Michael Jordan. I've got Sarah Palin, the political equivalent of a crash test dummy."

McCain also pointed out that he is at a significant disadvantage when it comes to money in this campaign. "Everybody wants to give donations to Senator Obama, just because he's intelligent and charismatic and has great ideas for the country. It's not fair. Even my filthy rich wife refused me a donation, just because I called her a c*nt a few times."

Asked whether he could win if Barack Obama acquiesced to his request, John McCain responded: "Let me give you a little straight talk, my friends. I don't expect anyone to vote for me who doesn't have kitchen appliances scattered across their front lawn. So, no, I don't expect eighty Electoral votes to put me over the top. But those eighty Electoral votes will help me save some face. I mean, look what I've done over the course of this campaign:

"I kicked the primaries off by saying I didn't know squat about the economy;

"I said I wanted us to stay for a hundred years in Iraq;

"I confused Sunni and Shia;

"I picked as my running mate some crazy moose-shooting Jesus freak who wasn't qualified to run a 7-11, let alone the country;

"I said 'the fundamentals of our economy are strong' a few hours before I warned we were facing the Next Great Depression;

"I suspended my campaign, just to hinder negotiations of a bailout bill I was for;

"I acted as erratically as a schizo on LSD;

"Then I incited my most unhinged supporters to violence.

"In other words, I just want to walk away from this election with enough Electoral votes to be able to hold my head up in Washington, if after my extensive mental examinations I'm permitted to return to the Senate. That's my goal now. I call it my 'put-the-shit-back-in-the-diaper strategy.'

Before leaving the podium, McCain added: "And with that insidious scoundrel Rick Davis running my campaign, Senator Obama should feel comfortable spotting me a eighty Electoral votes, if not a couple hundred."