John McCain Suspends Campaign to Write Concession Speech

In an unprecedented move, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain suspended his campaign today in order to draft his concession speech, which will be delivered after all the votes are counted on November 4th.

"I think the American people are entitled to the best possible concession speech I can come up with," McCain said. "And I'm sure as hell not going to leave the job of writing this important speech to the clowns who ran my campaign."

McCain said he'll suspend his campaign for "as long as it takes" to draft a final version of the concession speech. "You have to understand," McCain said, "I never learned how to use a computer, so I have to fully rewrite every new draft by hand."

When asked what led him to make this decision, McCain responded: "Look, I pretty much knew this was over after Sarah Palin's first interview with Charlie Gibson. My VP pick was a Hail Mary pass and everyone knows it. Yes, it was crazy. Yes, it was very impulsive. But who the hell could've anticipated that a governor of a state wouldn't know what the Bush Doctrine is. I swear, I myself was shocked. In fact, I asked Katie Couric to find out for me which newspapers Sarah read. Turned out, Sarah Palin got her news in her local church bulletin. Right then I knew my campaign was dead."

McCain added that his erratic behavior during the financial crisis was meant to have him disqualified as a candidate, so that the election wouldn't technically end in his defeat. "Look, my friends, I already have a reputation for being a bit of a nut. And I'm old; everyone knows my noggin ain't what it used to be. So, I figured I'd suspend my campaign, fly into D.C., and really, really screw things up. I think the FOX News camera even caught me on Pennsylvania Avenue in my pajamas at one point, but Rupert Murdoch refused to air it. I have pride, if nothing else. I didn't want to lose, I didn't want to surrender. So I thought if I were unstable, my party would ask me to step down, so that the Alaskan airhead could run. But instead, you know what my goddamn advisers said? They said, 'You've been very Reaganesque in recent days. We love it. Keep it up!'"

John McCain said he wants to deliver a concession speech that will rival Al Gore's in 2000. "I'm going to give it my best shot," he said. "And it's going to be full of some good old-fashioned straight talk; something the McCain of 2000 would've been proud of. In the speech, I'm going to admit that, yes, my Presidency would've essentially been a third Bush term. And yes, I am wrong and backwards-thinking when it comes to foreign policy. I'm going to admit once again that I don't understand a thing about the economy. And then I'm going to apologize to President-Elect Obama for bringing this election into the gutter."

Asked if he were absolutely certain he was going to go through with all this, John McCain responded: "It's really the least I can do."