John McCain's Campaign Keeps Dreams Alive for Wealthy White Men Everywhere

Sitting in a small, barely ergonomic seat in a hardly top-of-the-line private jet, John McCain had a wistful look in his eye. He projects the sense of something great, something bigger than his humble beginnings as the ragtag son of a wealthy Navy admiral.

Across the country, in brokerage firms and mom-and-pop multinational mortgage companies, wealthy white men everywhere know that the real strength of the McCain campaign comes from its simple message; that no matter how wealthy, white, or privileged you are, you can accomplish anything.

"I never thought that I'd live to see the day when a rich white man stood a real chance of being president," said Kentucky investor Mike Williams as he lit an illegally imported Cuban cigar with a $100 bill. "It's really something special."

Before this election, Williams wasn't even considering trying to scrounge together enough money to buy a third Lexus, but McCain's strength and courage has convinced him that the sky is the limit.

"If it wasn't for McCain, who would we have to look up to? From the moment we're born, we're handed everything on a silver platter. We don't have to deal with racism or sexism, to the point where we ignore it when it manifests itself," Williams said. "It's inspiring to think that someone who grew up in that atmosphere can actually keep it up. With McCain's example, us wealthy white men know that if we stick together, the world will keep handing us everything that we want."

In a small shoe shine parlor in New York City, aristocrat Tom Morley echoes the sentiment. "People think that just because you've got money, you're somehow worse than them. That's how America is structured. The meek inherit the earth, and all us rich folk get is limitless material comfort and countless advantages throughout our pampered lives. Well, it's about time someone like McCain put those poor in their place. Hey, watch the shoes."

McCain himself is more than humble. "Oh sure, my opponent did politics the easy way--born into a low income family on food stamps, worked with every fiber of his being to get into school and spent years helping low income communities before teaching constitutional law at a prestigious university for a decade. You know, everyone's heard that before, and they're tired of our leaders being cut from that same mold.

"Do I think it's time for a wealthy, elderly white man to be President? I think America has a lot of apprehension about that, or it would have happened a long time ago. I mean, if people really wanted an old white guy running the country, wouldn't every President in history be a white male? But I think if people look past my meager substance, they'll see the style that only loads and loads of money can buy. And that's certainly special."

McCain reclines, sipping on a Manhattan as he puts his feet on the back of a crouching Puerto Rican boy he has hired as a footstool. "Loads and loads and loads of money."