Johnny!

Yesterday, we lost my little brother, John. We got the call that he had been rushed to the ER by ambulance around 5:15, and then about a 1/2 hour later we got the call that he was gone.

If I hadn't had seen him, touched his hand, wept over him, I still don't think I'd be able to believe his passing. It's surreal. A 20 year old young man, a better writer and artist than most could ever hope to be, gone?

I like to think of myself as a decent writer, but I've found at the most crucial moments in my life I am going to what's already written. I don't know why that is. I woke up with lyrics from the musical RENT in my head.

"Seasons of Love" echoing and reverberating on the walls of my heart and mind.

That's, of course, inadequate. One song, no matter how touching or well written cannot sum up the depth of this.

But the sentiment stays. My love for my little brother has had many seasons, the first of which started before he was born.

He made me a big sister. What a gift! Though there are many times where I know that I filled that role poorly, he loved me anyway.

Family can be an interesting and honest mirror. You look into your loved ones and see elements of your own character, some that you feel proud to call your own and others which you'd just as soon forget.

John! His writing, his art, his amazingly generous and forgiving love of others. I hope that I am reflected there.

10 Days later..

It's 10 days since losing Johnny. I have been struggling, like we all have I suppose.

At his wake and funeral over and over people said to me how they were amazed at how well I was taking it, holding up etc. My response was always the same. "As hard as this is, I know it's the easy part. The wake felt long at times but it was only four hours. The funeral, including the lunch afterward was really only a day. The hard part is going on with my life without him."

And that has been the hardest thing to do. My first Sunday back at church. A doctor's appointment. My first time back at my book study. Everything "normal" is like some sort of acknowledgement that this is not a horrible nightmare from which I will soon wake, shaken, but relieved.

I find I have both a relish and a resentment for the everyday. Relish because being on autopilot is kind of a painkiller for the sobbing ache of loss. Resentment because it is all too easy for an everyday thing remind me of what's really taken place. Someone gives me my change at the pharmacy with a chipper, "Have a great day!" and it's like an icy slap. I feel like screaming! I want to grab ahold of her and tell her how stupid she is. My 20 year old brother is gone!

But the hard fact is, life does go on. We still have obligations. Bills, appointments, meals, baths, diapers, laundry. All of those things aren't going away or even being suspended till we as mourners can pick up the pieces. I guess that's best. If there really were some sort of Boo'ya Moon where we could go to veg out when life hurt too much, it would be way too easy to become a shrouded corpse there, unaware of the real world pining for our return.

I've had a great urgency to let everyone who is/was?! part of John's world to know how important they are. Any of his friends and loved ones that stumble upon or even purposefully seek my blog must remember that.

John's world in many ways was one of darkness and unimaginable pain. He walked marathons the Valley of Weeping. But there were bright spots of respite. Friends and family that loved him, that were thoughtful in his hard times, a good book or a great one, music that he loved. But most of all the ones who loved him.

I can truly say, as someone who has her own share of chronic pain, unconditional love is the best treatment. When pain and disability have got you feeling ugly and useless, a burden to those around you, love gives you a reason to keep going.

So thank you again to all the ones who loved him. You gave him respite in this world that no amount of pills or other substance could ever do. Made his immeasurable burden just a bit lighter.

I've got to get ready soon. Today is my little sister's 18th birthday. Understandably she didn't really want to party, but still I was happy to see that she made plans for the day. (It's really better to be with people in times like this.) Anyway, the auspicious occasion will begin for her by the kids and I taking her to breakfast.

Yes, I meant the word auspicious there. Lena is filled with promise, working and going to college. John always (rightly) told her that she could be anything she wanted to be, and accomplish anything she set her mind to. Beautiful and talented, whatever she strives for she can have, he would tell her. And Lena, don't you ever forget that! Just because John's journey here was tragically cut short that doesn't take away the truth of what he said. He would like nothing better then you to live up to your fullest potential, because he loved you dearly!

So happy birthday to you, little sis! I cannot give you the gift of taking away loss, but I do have unconditional love in abundance. There is nothing better you could do to honor our brother than realizing your potential and achieving your goals. And I'm here always, to help you on that journey in any way I can.