Jumper (Conclusion)

"Jumper. I think you have lost your mind!" was my response when she told me about the "game". I didn't realize then that Jumper was an addict of a sort, even at her young age. I didn't know that there was a name for her addiction - adrenaline junkie. She was searching for her next high and wanted me to join in, as she always did.

"Oh geez. Here we go again. Sailor, this is sooooo played out with you. When are you ever going to trust me enough to take a risk now and then?"

"Um, Jumper, this is more than a slight risk. You are talking about hanging until you almost pass out."

"I tried it with Paulie, twice already, Sailor. It was the most incredible feeling. I can't even describe it. It's not illegal or anything. I am here talking about it so obviously it's safe too."

"Have you taken a look in the mirror lately, Jumper? I don't think you can call that 'safe'. You look like crap."

Jumper got quiet and was playing around with the rope in her hands. After a few seconds she said, "My dad had this rope in the garage. I've tried several different knots, but I like this one the best. The noose was too tight and I couldn't complete the game."

"Jumper, you are starting to scare me. Do your parents know what you're doing???"

A new look crossed her eyes; this was a look I had never seen before, a dangerous look that scared me even more.

"Oh my god, Sailor, if you tell them, I swear I will never, ever, ever talk to you again!!!!!!!!"

"Okay, calm down, will you? I won't say anything, but you need to promise me you won't do it anymore." I don't know why, even then, I believed that she would make such a promise and keep it. I guess it was truly wishful thinking on my part, along with my inability to handle such a serious matter at that tender age.

"Yeah, okay. I get it. You won't join me, as usual, and you don't want me to do it, as usual. Right? Am I getting this right, Sailor?"

I was silent. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, despite her outrageous behavior. I wanted to tell her that I was scared and deep down I was afraid I was losing her, to Paulie, this game, to something dark that was hanging at the fringes of our lives. I wanted to say so much, but I didn't. Instead, I reacted like I usually did.

"Yeah, Jumper. You get it. You're the crazy one and I'm the boring one. Yup. Does that make you feel better now? Ready to come outside and play a 'normal' game now?"

"Know what, Sailor? Your ship needs to leave this port now. I want to ride the high seas and you want to stay in the lake. Take your little sailboat and shove off."

With those unkind words she turned her back on me and seemed immediately preoccupied with a new knot she was making with the rope. I was dismissed and the shock of the rejection stung like a wasp leaving its mark on my heart. She wasn't testing me. I simply lost her interest because I was boring to her. I had to make one last attempt to save our friendship.

"Jumper? Maggie Anna Sophia Bishop-Turner? C'mon. Talk to me. Please. Jumper? If you really want me to leave, I will leave. But I'm never coming back." I'm not even sure she heard me because her disconnect was so complete. I walked to the door, paused and looked at her one more time. I remember, with great detail my final glimpse of her that day. Her thin frame was outlined in her pink bathrobe and she was wearing matching pink, fuzzy slippers. Her hair was spilling down her back and light from the window washed the left side of her body, while the right side was bathed in darkness. I am not sure why images stand out so much in my mind, but they do. Jumper, as I expected, never once looked back.

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The rest of the day passed. I felt a dreadful sense of loneliness and despair. To preoccupy myself I stayed in my room and read a Nancy Drew mystery book, The Hidden Staircase. I let my mind focus on the Nancy solving the mystery of the hidden tunnel and rescuing Carson Drew, her father. Reading has always been a great escape for me and that was exactly what I needed that Saturday. I didn't want to think about Jumper at all, the way she looked, what she was doing, The Dream Game or the promise I made not to tell her mother. Even though she said she didn't want to be my friend, I held out hope that she would change her mind. Jumper said she could never stay mad at me for long and I didn't want to ruin my chances of repairing the friendship by betraying her and snitching to her mother.

Evening came and still I did not hear from Jumper. I called her home and no one answered. I considered going over there, but I was afraid she'd hate me more for pushing my company upon her, when I was the last person she wanted to be with right now. I figured Paulie must be her new bestest friend. He was exciting, daring and liked adventure, just like her. I couldn't compete with that. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't be someone that I wasn't. Not even for her.

My mother worried because I said no to my favorite dinner of chicken cutlets and mashed potatoes. I kept picking up the phone to make sure it was working and every time I did, and heard the dial tone, my heart sank just a little bit more. Finally, and mercifully, I fell into a deep sleep. I don't recall any dreams that night, but I woke up with a start and sat straight up in bed. I quickly glanced at the alarm clock and saw that it was already 10am. This was going to be a dog day of summer because I could feel the heat oozing through my window, like liquid. My skin was clammy and my mouth was dry. I got up, quickly dressed into shorts and a t-shirt and ran down the steps. Yes, I ran down the steps, not thinking this time about possible hazards. All I could think about was The Dream Game.

My mother saw me flying by and said, "Whoa! Wait a second, Sailor. Where are you going in such a rush?"

"I have to tell her I love her. That her friendship means so much to me. I gotta go. I love you, Mom." I didn't give her a chance to reply, but she must have known who I was talking about and in that moment understood why I was so unhappy the day before.

I reached Jumper's house in record time. I didn't know why I felt such a sense of urgency, but I did notice that I was out of breath from riding my bike so quickly. I couldn't stop. I ran up the steps and rang the bell. As usual, Jumper's mom answered the door, but not as usual I ran by her without saying a word. I climbed the steps two at a time and got to her room and just stopped. I listened, hoping to hear a Britney song on her CD player or simply just hear her moving about. It was silent beyond that door. I called out, "Hey, Jumper. It's me. I know you hate my guts right now and all, but I just want you to know, you are the bestest friend I ever had. I love you like a sister. Okay? Forgive me? Jumper?"

I couldn't take it anymore and tried the doorknob. The door wasn't locked and it swung open. Her room was empty, but a strange smell hit me. It was pretty foul and I gagged a bit. I was about to leave the room when my eye went to the closet door. It's not that I saw anything in particular. I don't know what it was that caught my eye. Perhaps it was just dust particles caught in the sun's rays and doing their final dance before landing on the floor.

She was hanging from the closet pole, still and pale. The rope hung low and her legs just missed touching the wood floor. In her shorts, I could see a bluish coloration on her legs and I knew, without any doubt, that she was dead. A silent scream filled my head as my eyes began to reject what they were seeing. I think I finally screamed her name, or Help, but I am not sure. No one came for what seemed like hours. I was told her brother found me and her, but I have absolutely no recall, to this day, if it was him or not. I never asked nor spoke to anyone in her family again.

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She was dead and I couldn't help shake the feeling that it was all my fault. The "What If's" ran around and around my brain and I couldn't stop it. So, I retreated into a self-imposed shell for days, maybe even months. The guilt, in various forms, the despair, the image of Jumper hanging there was too much to absorb. I shut down and turned off the outside world. In the darkness of my mind I was safe and didn't have to see, or feel, anything. Slowly, and painfully, I re-entered the world and accepted the chaos and uncertainty of life. I no longer feared. I just tried to breathe.

I am not sure why I was chosen to be her memory keeper, but I was and still am. She was my best friend. There has to be a meaning to her life, and death, a purpose that I might not yet be able to see. For now, bear witness and tell her story, hoping that the reason will make itself clear to me one day.