Junk Science Detractors of the Sweaty Mat: Does the WWE Cause Teen Violence?

"We regret that this seven year old junk science was re-issued. It was junk science then, and is junk science now. It took them seven years to get someone to actually read it and it hasn't even been subjected to a peer review. There is nothing new in the study, and we think it is recycled garbage put forward by some obscure professor who finally got someone to read his paper and is trying to get his name in the media."
-Vince McMahon

Junk science is one of those neat little hyper-cultural references that refers to something super specific and totally meaningless at the same time. It is almost always used as a way to debunk some idiot's remarks, but then again some idiot could be the one doing the debunking. See what I mean? The junk science that WWE General Vince McMahon was referring to is a study that linked his television/sports business with teen violence.

Before I go any further I should probably tell you how I feel about professional wrestling. Not because there's any good reason for you to care about my thoughts on professional wrestling, but because you've read this far; you've got spunk kid, why stop now? When I was a kid and for a few years after I stopped being a kid (Note: some may still consider me a kid and most would definitely consider me at the very least childish) professional wrestling was perfected by a little organization called the WWF or the World Wrestling Federation. At some point, fairly recently I guess, the WWF was changed to the WWE. And while this is hardly front-page news it does say a great a deal about the "sport" of professional wrestling.

I'm not sure exactly why they had to change their name, but I am positive it was for one of these two reasons: (1) They were sued or threatened by another, possibly older WWF (the World Wildlife Fund or something) and forced to change it…or (2) Some parental group, maybe the one that conducted the survey, forced the WWF to clarify that they were not a sports league but a TV show by changing the last letter from F to an E (Entertainment). Regardless of either, only in America (and Latin America included) can we take the world's oldest sport and turn it into a profit-only entertainment gig that has nothing to do with real competition.

With that said, professional wrestling is the most retarded form of public entertainment this side of the Special Olympics- and I say that in the most non-offensive way possible. I was into the WWF for only, I don't know, two or three months of my undiagnosed ADD-childhood. However, the damage was done in the form of my father's purchase of Wrestlemania VIII on pay-per-view. After the fourth viewing of my VHS taped copy of Wrestlemania VIII, the fun wore off and a deep, intense hatred began.

By the time I got to college, and found myself mostly stoned in a Deep South dormitory at Clemson University, my disdain for the WWF grew worse because of the large Bible-thumping brutes and Confederate Flag flying drunks who would bounce around the hallway in full mimicry of the homoerotic moves of their wrasseling heroes that they saw on the TV. At first this slayed me. Being from New Jersey, I had no idea that kids over 11 had any interest in the WWF. Boy was I wrong. These fuckers loved the WWF. They would squeeze 7-39 collegiate males into a single dorm room to check out Triple H or Hulk Hogan or whoever the hero of the day happened to be. It was scary, shocking and pathetic. So I smoked a shitload of pot.

This is the conclusion paragraph. What it all comes down to is this: Do I think that the WWE or the WWF or Greco Roman or Grand Theft Auto or the bullies in the lunchroom cause teen violence? I'm sure that they do…but not anymore than bad parents and the evening news. What those surveys should have been analyzing was how stupid the WWE was making our kids. In other words, is there any correlation between watching the WWE and a lifetime of low-wage manual labor? I don't know, that's why I'm asking. Look, who the fuck am I to talk? I was a degenerate pothead boozehound in college and now I'm a degenerate pothead boozehound graduate. I give nothing back to society and I take like a massive flock of swarming locusts. I am part of the weak and fruitless class of the Great Society's rapists. But for all my shortcomings I still appreciate culture: books, music, art, etc. And maybe that doesn't mean much. Nowadays, it probably doesn't. However, something inside me says that it might…and I'm damn well sure that the WWE has nothing to do with it.

Now, excuse me. I have to body slam this Mexican who always mows the neighbor's lawn when I'm trying to take a nap.