Just Relax! My New Year's Resolution

I will be the first one to admit that I have a hard time relaxing. In fact, I haven't had a moment of pure relaxation since I left the comfort and solitude of my mother's womb some 27...23...19 (cough cough) years ago.You try being the fourth child out of ten and relaxing! We were a lot more fun than the Duggars, believe me, but they didn't have Reality TV in those days.

As you can imagine, I always had to watch my back in my large family, what with brother number three stealing my brownies and Older Sister trying to boss me around (and scratch my arms for good measure). I had to be constantly on guard, especially when mom tried to disguise some hand me downs and pass them as new. Ha! You can't fool me! I'm 4 sizes smaller than Older Sister ever was! As a tomboy sandwiched between four actual boys, I had to climb trees and look out for invading enemies and believe me, there's no relaxing on that job.

And so it came t be that I grew into a very worried teenager, always obsessing, as teenagers are wont to do in their self obsessed world, over my appearance and diction, the invisible zit or undetectable gaffe, the school exams and the opinion of friends who were always going to be way cooler.

All the worrying and obsessing over small nothings over the years eventually led me to conclude the simple fact that I just cannot relax.

You know how they say 'Relax! Go to s Spa, you'll love it, you'll feel great!' Well no I won't, because I'll just be worried about what my body looks like, what my family is doing at home, and how much this is costing.

'Take a bath' you say. Well duh, i answer. But I never really manage to relax in the tub. I pour the right things in, find a good book, turn off the phone... and never last more than 15 minutes, all the while wondering if my hair got wet and should I add more hot water.

Shopping is supposed to be relaxing, but malls make me feel claustrophobic so I tend to quickly grab a few things, try them on and march back out. Lunch with friends? That would be nice, if only they had the time.

Aromatherapy? Really not my thing, but thanks. Valium? Marijuana? Ha ha just kidding. Music? I love music but it's not the same anymore. When I was younger I could just listen to music all afternoon and that would have been a great day but those days are gone - for good reason probably!

As I write this my toddler is with her aunt and I a couple of hours to myself. 'Just relax!' they told me. 'Come and get her when you feel relaxed' Me, relaxed? I resolved to go get her after two hours, but the question remained, how do I relax?

I therefore resolve to try to learn how to relax for real, and that is my new year's resolution.