Juvenally

The drums played their rolling, soft rhythm from the c.d. player. Her voice came across the speakers, smooth and silk, a rolling sad voice of melancholy:

In the sharp gust of love, my memory stirred, when time wreathed a rose...

It was Sousxie and the Banshees singing one of his favorite songs. It was not his only favorite from Sousxie Sioux. He liked all of her songs - they spoke to his heart.

...solitude sails, in a wave of forgiveness, on angels' wings...

Juvenally pushed pause on the c.d. player. The alarm had gone off on his alarm clock already. He had set the second of two alarms to go off five minutes before midnight office started.

He tried to keep the music down so that it wouldn't bother anyone but there was always someone who complained. It seemed even when he wore headphones the music was somehow too loud.

Juvenally put his shoes on, and looked at his hair in the mirror. It was short, but needed a simple combing to look somewhat decent.

"Forget it," he said. He knew no one would care even if he wore a three-piece suit and drove a Ferrari. They would still not accept him.

He locked the door to his room and walked down the apartment hallway. This community in Santa Rosa had found the perfect venue for their life together. A decent sized parish bought an entire apartment complex and lived together. It was a small complex to be sure, but it allowed everyone to live together and share a common Orthodox Christian life.

Juvenally, wearing a long sleeved, orange shirt and jeans, walked across the lawn to the chapel. He stepped inside and crossed himself and bowed three times.

"Jesus save me," he whispered.

The service was about to start. The red glassed oil lamps had been lit, the small lamp at the readers stand had been turned on, and the page opened to the midnight office. Standing there was that morning's reader, Dodo. They used the term "brother" and "sister" in the Santa Rosa community, but Juvenally preferred first names. Still, he caught himself speaking and thinking in terms of "Brother So-and-so," and "Sister Such-and-such despite his best efforts.

Brother Dodo turned and looked at Juvenally. His beard was nice but not as full as one Juvenally could grow. Dodo wore glasses and had long hair, and was a rather tall and slender man. It was his personality that turned Juvenally off.

Dodo walked over to Juvenally. They gave each other the apostolic greeting, kissing shoulders and briefly embracing. Then Dodo had to open his mouth.

"We missed you at service the past couple of mornings. Where were you?"

Juvenally said nothing, just looked at Dodo blankly. He did not want to get upset, that would be unchristian.

"You know, if you want to be Orthodox, you have to take spiritual life more seriously," Dodo said.

Juvenally was expecting some shitty comment like this to come from Brother Dodo. There were only two people in the chapel at the moment out of a community filling up an apartment complex. Yet apparently Juvenally had to take spiritual life more seriously.

Unlike everyone else.

It was one of those things. Juvenally could not hide his voice, could not hide the way his wrists turned or his gait when walked, could not hide the way he had lived for a couple of decades before he fell in love with the Orthodox Church.

It was bigotry, plain and simple.

Juvenally did not expect anyone to say, "Go get some butt love and be back for communion as soon as possible. " But seriously, people like Brother Dodo took things too far.

Brother Dodo sauntered back to the readers stand and started chanting the service. Juvenally stood there, praying to God for help. He wanted to become Orthodox, but everywhere he met heartlessness and coldness. He loved the Orthodox Church, but so many people he had met were just plain mean.

"No," he thought to himself, "I must not judge."

Midnight office was followed by Matins and the hours. Juvenally stood and never sat, though his feet and legs ached. He worked of course - at a music store - and was on his feet all day. But he did not mind making this small sacrifice for Jesus Christ.

Eventually the service was over, and none too soon. Juvenally liked the service, and all the services, but he struggled to not let the thoughts that Dodo had a rather large bit of pompousness in his every vocalization. Each morning, the service was a struggle and battle not just to stand with his aching feet and legs, and that slight pain in his back, but simply not to judge the person who was rude to him daily.

He left the chapel, making the three crosses and three bows as was custom, and headed back to his room, walking again through the small lawn separating the apartments from the chapel. He had to get ready for work and he was glad to go. He felt like he was part of some strange cult that expected robotic obedience and conformity to self-appointed norms - nothing, in short, that resembled real life.

He saw the priest walk by. He was pulling his hair back, and in the sunrise Juvenally could see the priest's eyes and tell he just woke up. Maybe now would be a good time to ask again about being baptized. Brother Dodo was not the priest and had no authority. But the priest, the man found worthy by God to serve sacraments, would be able to help Juvenally fully enter the Church.

Juvenally approached the priest, and bowing low, put his right hand on top of his left, palms up. The priest blessed him with his right hand, thumb and ring finger crossed.

"Father," Juvenally said, "Can I talk to you about baptism?"

"Listen," the priest said, "I don't know how to tell you this. But there can be no talk about baptism until you begin to take spiritual life more seriously."

The man had just woken up, while Juvenally had been in church for the past two hours. Seriously indeed!

"Look," the priest continued, "there are certain aspects of sexuality that need to be addressed. Let's talk about his later."

Did the priest think that Juvenally was some sort of man whore due to his homosexuality? Juvenally had been celibate for over a year now.

The priest walked away, unlocking the door to his office and stepping inside. He closed the door, looking down at the ground and not once at Juvenally. Juvenally just watched, and did not say a thing. Anger was not appropriate for a Christian. If he did get angry, he would lose anyway, since he was the new arrival to the Santa Rosa community.

Back in his room, Juvenally changed his shirt to a white one, and looked for his store badge. He pushed play again on the c.d. player and turned up the volume. Let them complain that they could not get enough sleep.

Juvenally wanted to leave this place, and thought about just getting in the car and driving, driving forever. There would be no one to be mean, to judge him, to prevent him from being with Jesus Christ. He would do it in a heartbeat.

"God," he whispered, "Do you hate me? Please tell me you love me..."

And the speakers continued to play the music of Siousxie Sioux:

Reach out your hands, I'm just a step away...close to you, 'til the last beat of my heart...