Kansas and Kenya: What Are They and Where Did They Come From?

Ever since ABC's Terry Moran told us that Barack Obama is the "son of a black man from Kenya and a white man from Kansas," confused Americans have been asking me the most obvious questions: "Frank, what are these places he is referring to? Kansas? Kenya? Where did they come from?"

As part of my continuing "What is it and Where did it Come From?" series, I will attempt to educate you the reader about these two mysterious places. Just think of this as my little way of making up crap, publishing it, and then telling people I am an investigative reporter. I get away with it because no one ever has the time to do any fact checking.

What country does Kansas belong to? I've never heard of it.

Kansas is a part of the United States and has been ever since it was made a state by President James Buchanan, a known practical joker.

How about Kenya? Where is it? I looked at a map of the United States and couldn't find it.

Kenya isn't part of the U.S. It is located on the east coast of Africa, which is somewhere way over there in the Atlantic Ocean. Africa is known for its high population of Africans and alphabetically is the first continent in the world. There are a whole bunch of other countries in Africa, some of them with funny names like Swaziland and Djibouti. That's a funny name, isn't it? Djibouti. Try to say it without giggling. Can't do it, Kenya?

What does Kansas mean?

Kansas is a Siouan word meaning "Better than Iowa; worse than just about anyplace else."

What does Kenya mean?

Kenya is Kenyan for: "People who win virtually all marathons."

I heard that evolution does not exist in Kansas. Is that true?

Yes it is. The state of Kansas has mysteriously sidestepped Darwin and remained amazingly the same as it was when first accidentally discovered by westward explorers looking for Las Vegas.

Why is it Arkansas is pronounced "Arkansaw" and Kansas is pronounced "Kansas"?

Because Kansaw would sound stupid.

Why are Kenyans such great marathon runners?

Because they are from Kenya, which means "People who win virtually all marathons." Weren't you paying attention?

Since he is half-Kenyan, is Barack Obama a great marathon runner?

No. Unfortunately Obama's mother is from Kansas, which in Kenyan means: "Slow white people."

After giving the world a kick-ass song like "Carry On Wayward Son," why did Kansas decide to follow it up with a snore-job like "Dust in the Wind"?

Actually, I'm taking questions on Kansas, the state, not Kansas, the band. But I'll answer your question anyway. Both songs are pretentious piles of crap.

In the film "The Wizard of Oz," Kansas is black-and-white and dismal looking while Oz is beautifully colored and full of life. Why in the world did Dorothy want to leave a rockin' place like Oz and return to the drab, colorless world of Kansas?

Little known fact: Judy Garland was colorblind (and not yet consuming vast quantities of liquor) and therefore didn't appreciate the beautiful colors of Oz. In fact, it took several takes to get poor Judy to stop singing "Follow the light-gray brick road."

So what's up with Kansas City? What's it doing in Missouri?

Missouri lost a bet.

What's the difference between Kansas and Nebraska?

There is virtually no difference between the two states. In fact, if you were to think of all of the states as one big family, Kansas and Nebraska would be the slow, mildly retarded twins.

So how in the world did Obama's parents ever get together?

Kenyans have been having sex with people from Kansas ever since President Theodore Roosevelt signed the little known Kansas-Kenya Copulation Act of 1906, which was created in an effort to breed marathon runners in the U.S. Unfortunately, the plan backfired and the best we have to show for this piece of legislation is a president.

Is there anything else I should know about either of these places?

Well, The Sunflower State is the proud home of a giant ball of twine weighing in excess of 16,000 lbs! And Kenya produces the third highest total of elephant poop in all of Africa!

No, no. What I meant to ask is: Is there anything important I should know about either of these places?

Oh. Uh...no.