Katie Couric

Katie Couric makes me want to retch, so I've been feeling pretty nauseous lately. I'm not surprised by all of the hoopla surrounding Katie Couric's recent Today show departure and her impending debut as anchor of the CBS Evening News this September; I'm just queasy. In case you haven't noticed, stories and speculations about Katie Couric are everywhere, since the media loves nothing so much as talking about itself. And Couric is that dearest of media darlings, a celebrity journalist-no, even that's too kind. Celebrojournalist? Journalebrity? Whatever. The fact remains that, just like God and gay people, she is everywhere.

But why does Katie Couric get under my skin? Why do I refer to her as my nemesis, as if she would know I even existed, as if the two of us have been duking it out like two female superheroes? As if learning about my bitter resentment would trouble her any more than seeing a speck of insect excrement on her windshield: "Gosh! Ick! Would somebody just get rid of that?"

I use the word "nemesis" because Katie Couric has been so eager to fulfill America's image of the ideal woman, while I spit on the very notion of "ideals" for either gender. You might wonder why I'm not thrilled that Katie Couric is going to "make history" as the first female network news anchor. That's like asking me if I was ecstatic when Condoleeza Rice became Secretary of State. I don't want to see women in top-ranked positions just because they're women-and using the term "woman" to describe Couric or Rice is pushing it, anyway. Condoleeza Rice is a female-seeming android. Katie Couric is a middle-aged woman who acts (on camera, anyway) like a young girl. She's giggled her way to the top.

In my mind, the name…that name, says it all. According to an August 2005 New Yorker article, Katie Couric was known as "Katherine Couric" when she began working for Today in 1990. The following year, she replaced Deborah Norville on Today-and was promptly christened "Katie Couric," presumably to emphasize the perkiness factor. Maybe the change wasn't her idea; and maybe she didn't mind so much. Why am I picking on this seemingly inconsequential matter? Am I making personhole-covers out of manhole covers? Just imagine a male news anchor with a cutsie-pie first name. Petey Jennings. Tommie Brokaw. Danny Rather (in his case, think back to a time when he was still respected). Teddy Murrow. Kind of takes away some of the gravitas. "Katie" is fine for morning infotainment-I mean, who cares?-but now she's stuck with the name; there's no going back. Katie Couric is a brand, one worth millions of dollars.

If Katie Couric had ever possessed gravitas, I'd let that oh-so-cloying first name slide. But she wasn't tapped then by NBC or now by CBS for her seriousness. She's been rewarded for her ability to project a low-key, nonthreatening intelligence while wearing a radiant, reassuring Miss America smile. I don't think she's dumb. Not at all. In her high-school days, according to the aforementioned New Yorker article, Katie Couric was both a cheerleader and a member of the National Honor Society. She must have learned early in life that being the smart girl isn't enough: you have to be the smart, cute girl with the "great attitude." That's what really irks me, when you get right down to it. Katie Couric embodies the idea that it's the job of women to lift spirits, to brighten everybody's day, to soften the blow of bad news. And if we have to downplay our intellectual faculties in order to focus on making others feel better, so be it.

Katie Couric made the cheerleader/National Honor Society formula work on Today, to the tune of 65 million dollars over her last five years on the show. In a performance that was impressive for its seamlessness, if for nothing else, she donned black-rimmed "serious journalist" glasses to interview authors and politicians; then she ditched the specs and segued into flirting with actors and celebrity chefs, never missing a beat. Plenty of other women on network and cable news do the same (I'll get to Diane Sawyer another time), but Katie Couric has truly perfected the act. Again, Today is a morning news and entertainment program; it's never pretended to be anything more. But the CBS Evening News-at least that name used to mean something. What it will mean come September is anybody's guess.

I leave you with Katie Couric's own words, as quoted in a July 17, 2006 Cox News Service story: "We heard from many people that the news is just too depressing. Now obviously we can't sugarcoat what's going on in the world. But there are cases where I believe we can be a little more solution-oriented."

So don't worry about the world blowing up, folks-Katie Couric is on the case.