Katie Holmes Top 5 New Year's Resolutions

There is no celebrity in the world that needs New Year's resolutions more than Katie Holmes. I know what you're saying; but what about Amy Winehouse? Yeah, Wino needs some New Year's resolutions but they would just end up being forgotten somewhere as the stuff went in her veins and down her throat.

Katie's not that kind of girl. Thus the need for some much-needed tranquility and perhaps the world wouldn't seem like such a cold, distant place.

5. Self-defense classes. That way, when Tom comes in wanting to mess with her (not sexually), she can flip him over her shoulder and chop him in the neck, hereby disabling him long enough to whip out the sword of Zenu, er, possess enough power, to pull out a pen and start filing divorce papers.

4. A man (but not for her). Everyone on the planet knows it's a foregone conclusion that Tom is gay. His hairdresser knows it, and you can be damned certain that straight guys who know Tom know it, too. They're just too afraid to say anything, since Tom is like the most powerful person in Hollywood.

3. A haircut. At the moment Katie looks like she belongs in a geisha. Tom does too, but that's beside the point. We already KNOW what Tom looks like; that was discussed in No. 4. Even some extensions might get rid of that stupid black bowl cut on her head.

2. A new religion. I'm not sacrilegious, but Katie needs to wake up and realize that this is the 21^st century and it's not okay for her to be ordered around the house like June Cleaver. I hear there are some religions that actually do something about that type of thing and they have done this kind of thing for centuries.

1. A man. Anyone will do, but they have to like children and be a good listener. Katie will have lots of stories to tell about bath houses, burly house help and strange noises coming from rooms in the middle of the night.