Keeping Your Girlfriend in Check

I must say I was a bit taken aback when I received this month's assignment in the hollowed-out tree stump in my front yard. Keeping your girlfriend in Czech? Yes, I have a Slovak background, so the sentenced seemed reversed. I mean, seriously, what kind of stupid assignment did my hollowed-out tree stump come up with here? Upon getting my glasses I realized I had misread the missive. So that was great a relief as I really don't want to have to replace my hollowed-out tree stump.

So, bunky, the girlfriend getting a bit out of hand? Kinda running wild? Often running the show? Looking to usurp your life? Take a number and get in line. What you are up against is millions of years of evolution (or several weeks, if you're a fundamentalist). We're talking about the very genetic make-up of humanity. The girlfriend of the species is a nurturer by nature. A creature placed on this planet to care for, influence and guide others. So it takes a great deal of effort to get her to step off.

Effort like this generally involves some standard re-programming. Brainwashing this type of person usually takes methods not generally approved under the Geneva Convention. Hopefully, they soon will be in this country (fingers crossed!). Until that day, the laws in this country severely hamper our attempts to keep our lady-folk in check. It's a pity, but our society has proven that age-old adage, "Spare the rod, spoil the girlfriend."

So, in the "hands-off" environment we live in today, mankind has to take a more psychological approach to dealing with womankind. We really have to go mental here, guys. We're talking about a grand Pavlovian take on living your life. Yes, it might be considered inconvenient at times, but the joy of having her "under your thumb" will make it all seem worthwhile.

First off, one of the major points in maintaining control over your girlfriend is to keep her completely off balanced. How can she hope to run your life if she can't figure out what you're doing? When you say you are going to do something, do the opposite. If you dish on your best friend, as soon as that friend calls on the phone, speak to the friend in your happy-to-see-you voice that's all giggle-ly with joy. When you meet people you can't stand in a social setting, don't avoid them, go over to them and kiss them hello and make a big fuss about seeing them. This will blow her mind.

Become irrational. Deflect compliments. Act snippy. Go off big time on any little annoyance. Don't react to situations; over-react. Demand complete and utter obedience over the pettiest of things. Then don't.

When she does something, comment on it. And by "comment on it" I mean criticize it. Point out how you would have done it better and/or differently. If she takes Main Street on the way to the store, state how you would have taken Oak Street. 'Cause it's better. If she brings over chucky style peanut butter, you mention how she should have brought creamy. This type of behavior is really easy to master. Once you start, you'll find you can't stop. All this is to keep your girlfriend utterly confused. She'll be so busy walking on eggshells, she won't be able to keep you in line. Make her unsure of herself; fill her with self-doubt and self-loathing that will reduce her to putty in your hands. Anyway, that's what my woman does to me and it works plenty good.

Of course, this is just one school of thought. There are other tacts to take. When the girlfriend of the species starts to act in a manner considered "unchecked," it becomes necessary for the boyfriend to perform some sort of anti-social and/or embarrassing behavior which will shock and dismay her. For example, say your woman tells you that she doesn't want you seeing your best friend anymore. It's over some incident involving your best friend, her sister and some sort of pregnancy. But that's not important. What's important is that when she makes this pronouncement, you, the male, start saying, "What?" repeatedly.

After awhile (sometimes a good while) the girlfriend will finally give up and leave you be. Now, you must realize, it is NOT going to work after the first time. You girlfriend will come back to you shortly, whether it's about her stupid sister again, or that you bought the wrong kind of shampoo from the store. She's going to get all up in your face and you have to begin repeating "What?" over and over again. After a couple of dozen times, she'll start backing off after the first "what." Eventually, the very fear of hearing you start saying "what" will deter her from ever bringing up any subject again. Also, she'll start salivating. This is a side effect and can be pretty much ignored.

Along these lines you can substitute nose-picking, facial contortions, snorting and dropping on the floor, spinning in a circle and going "woo-woo-woo-woo" or repeating the phrase "now that's what I'm talkin' about!"

Admittedly, this unreasonable conduct could also drive her away but if the girl isn't willing to put up with your irrational and insane behavior, is she even worth hanging onto?

One thing that will completely drive your girlfriend to distraction is getting neutered. The thing preventing you from keeping your girlfriend in line is the threat of withheld sex. Once you remove your desire for sex, her hold over you evaporates. Sure, this seems extreme, but if you want to get to choose the movie this weekend, you'll do what it takes.

Finally, the best way to keep your girlfriend in check is to be perfect. Be just so attentive, so loving, gentle and generous, so thoughtful and considerate that your girlfriend will live in absolute terror that she may lose you and be forced to re-enter the dating bog with the slim hope of finding someone 1/10 as good as you. That'll teach her. Now if you'll excuse me I have some Tekvicovy privarok on the stove.