Keeping Your Individuality in Marriage

Too many couples feel that marriage means giving up your own identity. This lesson explores the ways this happens and what to do to maintain your sense of self.

Losing your unique sense of self is not part of a healthy marriage. In fact it is very important that each partner maintain this sense of self. Yet in many marriages one partner gives up so much of their identity, they lose themselves. Why does this happen?

Many times this type of behavior is born out of a desire to please, or to try and become even closer to the other partner. It is also often seen in extremely dependent personalities, who lack a true sense of self worth, and only feel valued when seen as part of something. This is extremely sad.

Relationships can smother under the weight of excessive neediness and dependence. Part of the dynamics involved in a healthy marriage is growth: individual growth. Marriage isn't meant to be a Vulcan mindmeld. If your partner only hears his/her views parroted back to him/her, he may as well talk to a mirror.

Individual interests are healthy too. For instance, Dave enjoys fishing and woodworking. I hate both. I love cooking, writing and my job managing a large group of people, things he doesn't enjoy. Still, I like hearing about his latest project or the trout that got away. And he loves listening to work related issues I have, as they are so very different from his own. These things bring interest and a dynamic sense of growth to our marriage.

Having a few interests in common: gardening, traveling and cooking give us the vital touchstones we need. Good marriages have this in common. it allows us a sense of space and individuality, yet let's us truly enjoy other more common interests more fully.

Women especially need to do this. We need our own credit, bank accounts and other separate areas from our lives as a couple. So many women born in the 30's and 40's have found themelves left with little to no income and a zero sense of who they are. Having devoted their entire married lives to their husbands needs, children and relying solely on their men for financial support, they are clueless. Many were left for younger more "interesting" women.

No one feels entirely comfortable living with a clinging dependent partner, male or female. Take the steps necessary to develop new interests and establish a sense of independence in your life.