Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Predators

Sexual predators live in your neighborhood. It is a very sad truth that there are men (and some women) who abuse children. It is a parent's worst nightmare to think their child could potentially become a victim of a sexual predator. Even more chilling, is the fact that sexual predators are often the last people the community would expect. A soccer coach, a trusted relative, even a member of the clergy. It used to be that people felt sexual predators were the scary man in the trench coat offering candy to kids on the school yard, but that is simply not the case. Unfortunately, there are sick people in every walk of life. However, you don't have to feel powerless. There are ways you can keep your child safe from potentially becoming a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of a sexual predator.

It is not as simple as just telling your child not to let anyone touch them in their bathing suit area. People have been telling their kids that for years, and yet, many children still become sexual abuse survivors. So, what do you do? Consider these tips.

The first thing you can do to protect your child from becoming a victim of a sexual predator is facilitate a home environment that is conducive to open, loving, non-punitive communication. In other words, if you scream at your preschooler for spilling milk, do you really think they are going to tell you if someone touches their genitals? Especially if the person is manipulating, shaming, or threatening them. In other words, you've got to do you part at home to create an environment for your child where they know they are able to tell you anything. Beginning from an early age, it is essential that you don't overreact when they do tell you something. I always thank my daughter for telling me something, even if she is "tattling". We don't discourage "tattling" in our home, because that is a tool a sexual predator may use to keep their victim quiet. If your child tells you something, you can say, "thank you for telling me that. You can tell me anything, honey!" Your child will know beginning from an early age that it is okay to talk to you about things that are uncomfortable or difficult.

Another very important way to protect your kids from sexual predators is to let them know their bodies are respected. I know it is common to make children hug their grandmothers or aunts or whoever, but in doing that, you are also communicating the message (however unintentional) that they have to do something with their bodies that makes them feel uncomfortable, because an adult says so. That is not the message you want to send your children, even if auntie may get offended. Communicating to your kids that their bodies belong to them and that they are special and private and that they do not have to do anything with their bodies that makes them feel uncomfortable will go a long way in protecting your kids from sexual predators. What I usually said, was " [daughter's name] isn't ready for a hug right now, why don't go play a game together and see how fast she warms up!" lightheartedly. It sent a powerful message to my daughter too, that I would advocate for her if she was feeling uncomfortable, or if someone was doing something to her body that she didn't like.

Another way to protect kids from sexual predators, is to give them the gift of proper terminology. Penis, Vagina, Anus, Vulva, these are not 'bad words'. They are not sexual words. They are clinical terms for important body parts. If, God forbid, your child does become the victim of sexual abuse, you will want to be able to prosecute to the full extent of the law, and your child being able to accurately label what happened will be important. Also, knowing the proper names for their genitalia removes some of the shame that is communicated to a child when we call their private parts silly names. Lastly, it communicates to any would-be sexual predator, that you are comfortable with openly discussing body parts, sexual organs, privacy, and bodily respect with your child.

In addition, it is important to have open dialog with your child regarding their body. If you don't want to scare them or introduce them to the concept of sexual predators at such a young age, you don't have to. What we did, was tell our young daughter that her body is 'special and personal' and belongs to her and no one else. We told her that the only people allowed to touch her vulva, vagina, and anus was her, or me and her father in very specific circumstances, such as to help wipe after using the toilet or if there was irritation or pain. We ask her permission before touching her personal areas as well. This lets her know that those parts of her body are not for anyone to see or touch, and will alert her instincts that something isn't right if a sexual predator tried.

Unfortunately, sexual predators like victims they believe are "easy targets". These include kids who appear to be from troubled homes, kids who appear to not have a good relationship with their parents, and kids who are left alone or to their own devices a lot. Even if this is not the case in your home, you've got to also communicate to the world that your child is safe, loved, and communicates with you. A way you can do this is to have open communication with your child and about your child when others are around. Casual statements like, "Becky knows she can tell me everything. I love how she can even talk about uncomfortable things with me!" or "Joe knows he doesn't have to do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable, so if he doesn't want to try something, he doesn't have to" (to a soccer coach, for example). Statements like that communicate to any would-be abusers that the child they abuse may not "keep the secret" or feel scared enough to not tell.

Finally, if, God forbid, you child does approach you and has the courage enough to tell you that something someone did made them feel uncomfortable, believe them. Even if it is a loved one, believe them. Sexual predators come in all walks of like, and numerous sexual abuse survivors have confided that what hurt worse than the sexual abuse, was parents or caregivers who didn't believe them.

The sad reality is that there is no fool-proof method to preventing sexual abuse. That is scary to realize. However, I do firmly believe based on my own instincts and experience, coupled with research, that these tips do go a long way in protecting kids from sexual predators. Be safe.