Keeping the Peace in a Blended Family

Being a step parent is hard, and no one would ever argue that. A blended family complicates what's not simple to begin with, and can cause hurt feelings and lots of anger on the part of both the kids and the parents. In this case, parents refers to both biological (or adoptive) and step. I grew up on the kid side of a divorce and remarriages, and here are my tips to people who might be finding themselves on the parenting side.

Expect tension. There's no way around it. There will always be tension in a blended family. It can come from the other parents, family holidays, disciplinary differences, just about anything. Don't be surprised about it.

Don't try to be their friend. This may seem like the best way to go about getting along with the kids at first. And it'll work. At first. But sometime, you're going to have to act as their parent, and that will make them feel betrayed. Parents are not friends, they're parents. Which leads into my next tip:

Be consistent. It's something that's important when dealing with children. They need to know their boundaries, and what to expect from you and when. You'll end up getting along with them better if you show that you can be consistent in your attitude and your treatment of them.

Don't say a negative word about the other parent. These kids are going through a rough enough time dealing with this situation. Don't make it worse by badmouthing the other parent. Also, passing messages through them to the other parent is not acceptable. This makes the child feel like he or she is being used as the rope in a tug of war. They already feel the tension between their parents. So be mature and pick up the phone. Deliver your messages yourself.

Communicate. This will eliminate the problem with messages being passed through the kids. And they are still kids, remember, even if they might be growing up faster because they've had to deal with a divorce. You need to keep the lines of communication open with all parties. It might be hard to deal with the other parent, but it needs to be done and should be done with civility for the kids' sakes.

Some of the times when things get more difficult will be the occasions where both parents need to be in the same place. This was always the hardest part about big events in my life, for me. Graduations, plays, baby showers, they can all cause a lot of stress, for a child with more than two parents. Try to make these events as stress-free as possible.