Keeping the Peace with a Tween at Home

Although I'm not a parent, I have had my share of working with tweens as a therapist. I began working with young adults a few years ago at a behavior modification program, and was responsible for the kids in my classroom throughout the day. Some kids came in ready to fight both physically and verbally, while other kids displayed depressive symptoms or felt misunderstood by their peers and/or their parents. In any case, these kids needed help, and by following some of the following tips we used, you may be better able to help your child.

#1: Listen First and foremost, listening is key. You cannot completely understand what your child is going through and why they are exhibiting their negative attitudes if you don't give them the opportunity to speak their mind. Ask what is wrong, and if you can do anything to help. This should be one of the very first approaches taken when dealing with the negative behaviors, as it can help quickly solve the problem.

#2: Communicate Communication and listening go hand in hand, and can help establish a relationship with your child, no matter how strained it may be. A child, especially one who is frustrated and has a negative attitude, may feel as if no one will listen to them or as if they can't talk to anyone about their problems. Imagine feeling trapped within your own problems, and then the reactions you might have.

#3: Offer Perspective If your child does begin to open up to you, share stories of your own frustrations and how you deal with them instead of having a negative attitude. Explain that sometimes you encounter people that are rude at work or in public, and how it makes you feel. Knowing that you experience the same thing and how it affects you might help your tween feel like they can relate and that they are not alone.

#4 Be Respectful Your first instinct might be to fire back with rude comments of your own. This only furthers the exchange and encourages the behaviors. Some tweens want to see the reaction they can get out of their parents by the words they use and the tone of their voices, and if you react negatively, they'll just feel as if this is the best way to communicate.

#5: Create Consequences First and foremost, you are the parent. You are the one in charge who creates the rules, and you are within your rights as a parent to enforce those rules. If you want your tween to stop the rude attitude, then discuss a possible list of punishments with them. If you have a child who curses at you, let them know that each time the behavior occurs, that they will lose a privilege. It is essential that you follow through, so that they understand you are serious. At the same time, offer rewards to encourage good behavior. If the rudeness gets better, offer a treat of some kind to your child. Positive reinforcement can work just as well as a punishment, and your child will see that good behavior can equal rewards.

#6: Try to Understand Be sympathetic if your child tells you they are frustrated, for whatever reason. They may have had a fight with a friend, a boy may not return their romantic feelings, or perhaps they received a bad grade in class. What may mean nothing to you might mean the world to them.

#7:Create Peace If your child has a temper tantrum, encourage a time of peace. Let the tantrum be completed (only if they are not hurting themselves or others), and then tell your child they need to go to a quiet room to calm down. Sometimes, we all need to vent. We don't always express frustration in a "good" way, and blow up instead. If your child has a chance to reflect in a quiet place and then has someone to talk to afterward, this could help in the future.

#8: Keep Calm When your child back talks or yells, maintain your tone. Yelling back is not going to make anything better. If you find yourself getting angry, avoid a potential argument and walk away until you feel as though you can continue the conversation, You have every right to be frustrated, but in the heat of the moment, you might do or say something you regret.

Remember, no matter our age, we all experience daily frustrations. We lash out at those we love or those that happen to say the wrong thing, and typically regret our actions. Just because your child isn't an adult doesn't mean that they won't act in the same manner. Try different methods of resolution, and odds are, you'll find one that works for you.