Keeping the Romance Alive in Your Relationship When Crohn's is a Part of It

I've had five surgeries for Crohn's disease, the last of them at the end of 2003. Three have been small-bowel resections requiring a full incision from under my chest to a few inches below my navel. I have what's popularly called a keyhole incision that detours around my belly button. Since the last incision intersects with other scars and is close to half an inch wide, I don't consider it my most attractive feature.

Now I also have to admit that despite 100 hospitalizations for this disease, I have never considered attracting the opposite sex a problem. I've concluded this as due to three factors.

Self confidence. Most adults - and some mature teens - react positively to their significant other's perception of self. In fact, their behavior tends to mirror ours. Despite tummy tracks and physical imperfections in the way my body works, I have always tried to look my best and appreciate my strengths. This is why you will find a makeup case next to my meds every time I head for the hospital. I take pride in dressing in a classic but comfortable mode both at home and when I go out.

How do I know a romantic interest reacts to my positive self image? Well, on the few days when I feel "down" because I've lived in the bathroom or am having some side effects from medication, my partner, while concerned about helping me, tends to get down, too. The reaction is in direct proportion to my image at the moment.

How do you develop self confidence when you suffer from inflammatory bowel disease (IBD)? Certainly it helps to have a good sense of self worth from childhood. However, a lot of it simply comes with experience. I realized I had become confident when I began to think of the disease as more or less an unavoidable inconvenience. I have to basically cater to it like I might a bum knee I need to prop up from time to time. While I readily acknowledge I'm a Crohn's patient, the moniker is not the highest on a list of words I used to describe myself.

Having self confidence also helps with deciding when to disclose the illness to a new romantic interest.

Preparedness. Just because you have aura of confidence about you doesn't mean you can avoid thoroughly preparing for the quirks associated with Crohn's disease. Think Titanic here. They weren't prepared.

The fact of the matter is that we have to deal with frequent and sometimes messy pit stops. The restrooms we use don't always carry the scent of roses in the air when we finish using them. Sometimes in the middle of a romantic tete-a-tete, we suddenly realize we have to change clothes. Oops.

A basic survival kit for all Crohn's patients should include an extra set of underwear in a zippered plastic bag, a package of baby wipes, a pack of matches and a box of mint flakes. Women can tuck all of this into a medium-sized purse or backpack. Men had better hope they have pockets. Another place to stash these emergency rations is in your bathroom cabinet, next to your bedroom, for immediate access.

Candles are always great for setting the mood of romance. However, they usually aren't necessary to control odor. A commode flushing will camouflage the sound of lighting a match; so will a loud fan. The flame will kill most odors. So will tossing mint flakes into the commode before flushing it. Soiled clothing can go into the plastic bag for attention later.

When prepared, you can handle the most unpleasant aspects of the disease with confidence.

Humor. The world laughs with those who can laugh at themselves. In 25 years of volunteering with patients suffering from Crohn's disease, I've found most don't laugh very often.

The lighter side of romance demands some laughter from time to time to sustain it. The ability to poke fun at the parts of our life that are different from a non-patient's daily existence causes others to admire and remain attracted to us. I'll sometimes point to a midriff-baring outfit on a mannequin and jokingly insist that I want it as a gift.

Of course, there are times when humor is the only productive response. Imagine a moment of passion punctuated by a rush of gas just dying to escape from your colon. Will you run, in tears, from the room? Or will you make light of it?

How you handle your circumstances in life often determines whether a romance is a go or a no-go.