Keeping Your Sanity in a Relationship with a Narcissistic Person

Living with someone who is narcissistic is challenging but there are ways to make the experience more tolerable. True narcissistic personalities can be charming and attractive, but highly controlling, aggressive and inconsiderate without regard to the feelings of others. Whether the offender is a parent, spouse or friend, remember that first and foremost, that it is not your fault the person is this way. Your job is to preserve your self esteem and be assertive whenever challenged by the fragile ego of this person. Here are thoughts to ponder, to help you maintain a relationship with the person you care about, without losing yourself and your voice in the process. Having spent many, many years living with a highly controlling narcissistic family member, it took lots of therapy and soul searching to fully understand this, so here is my therapy in a nutshell.

Do not let anyone define you. Define yourself and stick to your values, no matter what. Narcissists tend to try and make you see their way, and will work hard to "make you see the light" if you don't do what they want, sometimes by force. You are entitled to your own beliefs, thoughts and actions. Do not let the other person force you to go against your own beliefs, and set up boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate, when necessary. The person in my life became violent at times, trying to make me see her ways. If I didn't conform to her thoughts, she would threaten, belittle, insult, and carry on with a vengeance. I stood my ground while refusing to fight, calmly and firmly. If she persisted, I would just leave the room, quietly, refusing to participate in a debate by my absence. This works well on the phone, too. When your voice isn't listened to, and you find that you're defending your personal rights against someone trying to make you conform to their ways, end the conversation politely. When the person is more calm and rational, the discussion can resume, but there is no arguing or debating your own personal choices. You are entitled to your thoughts, feelings and actions, they are yours. If you both don't agree on a subject, then agree to disagree in a calm and rational way. Fighting accomplishes nothing.

Don't let the rudeness of someone that is self absorbed hurt your self esteem. It doesn't feel good to be ignored, interrupted, criticized, attacked or hurt. If you are voluntarily in a relationship with someone who is overly hurtful to you, consider seeing them less often. Even with family members that we love dearly (despite their problems), it is not selfish of you to want space and limit involvement with a person who isn't able to give you the respect and kindness that you rightfully deserve. Care for the person, just have limits on time with them. It's for self-protection and well-being. You are responsible for your own well-being, and it is your duty to yourself to limit negativity from your life whenever possible. The world is full of stress, so don't unnecessarily submit yourself to more of it by enduring abuse from others.

Remember, you have worth; your feelings do matter and that the behavior of someone who is overly self-absorbed or controlling is in no way a reflection on you. If you live with someone affected by narcissism, then please know that it is important for you to have healthy outlets. This gives you time away from the influence of the person's insecurity and control, allowing you time to yourself to relax. If the other person doesn't like it, then. tough. There are books full of information about the narcissistic personality, which are informative reading for anyone closely associated with one. Allow yourself to learn about the subject, since knowledge is power. Maintain your sanity by understanding of the dynamics of the narcissistic relationship. Reading about others' experiences will show you that you are not alone and possibly provide other tips for coping. Learn from others' experiences, and by trial and error. In my case, I learned how to deal with the narcissist in my life, by setting strong, highly enforced boundaries. The more practice I had, the better I got at it. You can do it, too. Give it time and use knowledge as your guide.